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This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” August 18, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Wow. Planet Fitness has really gone to hell.

So, about that new and improved Taliban, how’s that going so far? A new and improved Taliban. That’s like a new and improved kidney stone. I don’t see much room for an upgrade. Still, their spokesman held a news conference to say that the insurgents would honor women’s rights. Of course, according to the delightful rules of Sharia law. That’s like Andrew Cuomo saying, I will from now on respect women’s rights, as long as they’re hot, and I can still grab their asses.

Meanwhile, Taliban fighters executed a woman for not wearing a burqa. So what’s new and improved exactly? They didn’t torture her first or kill her entire family. I guess that’s progress. So yes, thank God, we’re back on the world stage. Too bad our play opened and closed on the same night. But at least the U.S. ambassador to the U.N. sent the barbaric thugs a strongly worded letter.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

LINDA THOMAS-GREENFIELD, U.S. AMBASSADOR TO THE U.N.: We have expressed in no uncertain terms here at the United Nations through a very strongly worded press statement from the Security Council, that we expect the Taliban to respect human rights including the rights of women and girls. We have also indicated that they have to be respectful of humanitarian law.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: How did Wolf keep a straight face? I’ve seen a game of tag taken more seriously than this. A strongly worded letter, that’s like a strongly worded game of Yahtzee. Yes, there’s one thing we’ve learned about the Taliban they really respect a stern note with a fancy typeface. Meanwhile, on Twitter, both of their official spokesman have unverified accounts, which seems unfair to them. Hell even Kilmeade has a blue checkmark.

It’s funny, the Taliban on Twitter. That’s like Fred Flintstone operating an iPhone. It’s like a Neanderthal playing Call of Duty 2. It’s like Joe Biden wearing pants. A regime that champions a return to the Dark Ages tweets about pressers from their smartphones. I wonder who their service provider is and does the goat porn cost extra? Does for me. I’d imagine the Taliban is a little miffed that you can retweet but you can’t be head.

And where’s the emoji for Death to America anyway? You think Twitter management cares? Former President Trump is still banned from the platform among other Republicans. But so far, the Taliban remains. Maybe Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey just likes the cut of their beards. Can you tell which one is which I get? Yet Twitter allows this this information to remain.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: When I announced our drawdown in April I said we would be out by September. Our military mission Afghanistan will conclude on August 31st. The drawdown is proceeding in a secure and orderly way, prioritizing the safety of our troops as they depart.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes, that didn’t happen. So when asked about this contradiction in treatment, Twitter said their top priority is keeping people safe. Of course, unless it’s Afghan women and people who think like Trump. If those words were any more empty, they’d be Hunter Biden’s medicine cabinet. And as for keeping us safe, you could have fooled me Twitter, the last thing someone sees before Chrissy Teigen ruins their lives or their names trending on your vacuous vomit engine.

If you still think that social the social media titans have your best interests at heart, you probably think Ben and Jerry’s is in your heart’s best interest too. At least the Taliban doesn’t pretend to be neutral. Meanwhile, the media says White House officials are troubled on how to get everyone safely out of Afghanistan, which makes sense after the bots pull out. Do you trust any of these bozos to pull anything off besides Biden’s compression socks?

Meanwhile, Joe disappears for days at a time like he’s campaigning again. He hides under more lids than Oscar the Grouch. He spends more time in a bunker than Eva Braun. Fact is you can’t expect a successful evacuation without a threat of destruction if you stop this. Have we made that clear? No, because we’re the bad guy. Remember, our military bras were too busy pondering critical race theory and diversity brochures then organizing an orderly exit.

If the real problems are white racism how can we tell the Taliban what to do? We lost our moral authority to a group who has the term oppressor in their job description. If only these guys had Trump 2024 decals on their RPGs and be so much easier. And so Joe Biden became a lame duck presidency in record time. My apologies to ducks everywhere. But it’s hard to be surprised. This guy has gotten more things wrong than Brian Stelter watching Jeopardy.

For the great unifier, he’s got an unbelievable talent of breaking things into pieces. He shouldn’t be running a country, he should be demolishing kitchens on this old house. We watched our southern border dissolve while being told we must fix central America’s problems. We see law enforcement in tatters as crime rages. We watch our energy policy implode as gas prices soar. But to be fair, he has helped Russia and OPEC, I’ll give him that.

And no wonder the media, the Dems and the academic institutions all work together to get this guy elected. And boy, are they quiet now? Thank God, they all agreed to bury that Hunter Biden laptop. That story is still harder to find than a Don Lemon viewer. And now like an aging avocado that looked fine on the outside this presidency turned out to be gray and rotten on the inside. So what’s next? GOP Senator John Kennedy sums it up.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. JOHN KENNEDY (R-LA): It was a biggest terrorist victory since 9/11. And jihadists who want to hurt this country. And its people all over the world are reinvigorated today.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Try telling that to the White House. They’ll still be saying it’s domestic terrorism we need to worry about. It’s the insurrection. Don’t forget the insurrection. Yes, those were the days when you could pretend your fellow Americans were evil when in reality, it was your incompetence all along.

Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. This vegetarian is not afraid to start up eat. Fox Business Network Anchor Dagon McDowell. This is one man who can walk all over you. Former acting U.S. Attorney General Matt Whitaker. She’s like a smoke alarm, loud piercing and sometimes you have to change the batteries. Fox News contributor Kat Timpf. And a grain silo is his coffee thermos. My massive sidekick and the NWA World Television Champion, Tyrus.

Dagen, Dagen, Dagen, good to see you.

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK ANCHOR: Great to see you.

GUTFELD: Yes, we did just did “THE FIVE”.

MCDOWELL: Yes.

GUTFELD: That was a joy —

MCDOWELL: Titillating.

GUTFELD: It was — watch your mouth. What did — OK. You know, what did you make of Joe’s speech today? And how do you feel about Taliban being on Twitter?

MCDOWELL: The speech was zero because that’s how many times he actually addressed what was going on in Afghanistan. The Taliban on Twitter. Trump is not, that will get resolved. But again, I think he talked about this, but the Taliban plays by the rules, the rules set by the left, right?

GUTFELD: Right, right.

MCDOWELL: That’s our fixation. I just hope because you were talking about energy policy. I just hope that the debacle created by Joe Biden in Afghanistan means that every one of his other planned policies to destroy the United States fails miserably. That is just a stain. For example, just getting middle class Americans hooked on entitlements, hooked on the government that’s more power and control for the idiots like Biden.

Also the energy policy, again, we’re begging countries that hate us to pump more oil, which means that our policy here to destroy our energy economy is just like a recruitment effort for the Greta Thunberg fan club here. It’s just — it’s just for show and nothing more and — but I also hope that it means that everything that that crinkly crypt keeper hand of Joe Biden touches now carry such a stench that even moderate Democrats will be afraid to touch it because he is toxic.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s — I don’t know how he comes back to that. Matt, today he said, this killed me. By the way, I’m glad you’re doing the workout I prescribed to you.

MATT WHITAKER, FORMER ACTING U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL: It’s working.

GUTFELD: I know.

WHITAKER: I’m getting bigger, I’m getting skinnier all at the same time.

GUTFELD: It’s fantastic.

WHITAKER: And taller. I wish it work for you.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes. Exactly. Yes, well —

TYRUS, FOX NATION HOST: Have it all.

GUTFELD: Yes. I was going to make a joke about hair but he could still beat me up. All right. In —

WHITAKER: I choose to cut it like this.

TYRUS: Good choice.

GUTFELD: There was — there was an — there was a moment in this interview with George Stephanopoulos where Stephanopoulos asked him about the terrible withdrawal and he said it was four days ago. A, it wasn’t four days ago and B, it shouldn’t matter. It was 14 days ago. It is crazy. What is going on?

WHITAKER: Well, when you sleep for 16 hours a day, they kind of run into each other.

GUTFELD: That’s true.

WHITAKER: But I mean — so the first thing I keep thinking about is how uninformed the President of the United States appears to be?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: He’s not talking about what’s actually happening in the world. He’s talking about, you know, maybe somebody needs to say, hey, all these refugees from Afghanistan, they’re not vaccinated.

GUTFELD: Yes. Maybe they don’t care.

WHITAKER: Maybe that would like — maybe that would catch him but, you know, I just am really concerned, you know, the American warrior is the best equipped, best trained warfighter anywhere. And we need to make sure that this doesn’t demoralize that whole class of people that raise their hand and swear to give their life in defense of the Republic. And I’m really concerned how demoralizing this has been.

And we need to remind them every chance we get that their sacrifice was not for not that, you know, that they were defending the principles we stand for and that the flag, you know, is going to fly forever. And that we can be trusted as an ally.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: Some of these are really on the ropes. And we need to make sure that’s not a law.

GUTFELD: It’s a really — it’s a really important point to decouple the withdrawal from their service because part of the accomplishment of their service is that we didn’t have to think about Afghanistan for a long time. I didn’t think about it. I was like, it was just — it became background noise precisely because of their efforts. Tyrus, good to see you back with your belt. Are you going to wear — are you going to carry that belt wherever you go?

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TYRUS: Until somebody takes it. So answer — the short answer is, yes, it’s going to be on my shoulders for a while.

GUTFELD: What should we be doing?

TYRUS: I know what we shouldn’t be doing. And it’s one — and it’s going to be a little friendly fire.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: On the Republican side because Joe Biden’s gaffes are glaring. I get that. But we need to stop being Democrats, where all we do is attack and blame and we know what’s bad. How about getting some solutions? You know, Senator — I’m getting real. He’s driving me crazy. I live in Louisiana. You know, and he’s always running his mouth. Do your job, get off the camera. I don’t need to hear your Ted Cruz, three snowflakes landed in Texas.

You jumped out the country and blamed it on your daughter. So I don’t want — I don’t want advice on you on how to — how to get people to leave a place or whatever. Afghanistan, the men — we just don’t belong there. Our ideologies, it’s centuries of the way they are. And every time we come in, we make things — we put band aids, we make things better for a little while. But as soon as we leave, they go right back to where it is and then the bloodshed happens.

When President Trump pulled — when he pulled troops out of — everyone was like he’s a war criminal because we left our allies to get slaughtered and et cetera, et cetera. Doesn’t matter what America does. If they don’t believe in what we’re doing, if they don’t buy into it, there wasn’t a huge fight from Afghanistan army. They literally will start pointing where the tanks and stuff are as soon as we pull back.

So, this is ugly but let’s get some solutions. I want to hear some great solutions that people can get behind and at the same time support our troops. Because yes, we can bash the President. It’s easy. He literally — every time he talks you got something new to make a joke about but the — and you made a great point. We’re also — when we’re trashing, we’re trashing our troops. And we need to remember that these guys are still out there given the lives trying to get people home. And we need to stay on point with solutions and supporting our troops.

GUTFELD: By the way, if you pick — if you came here for solutions, you are talking to the wrong guy. Anyway, Kat, do you have any solutions?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: I — about what?

GUTFELD: Anything in general?

TYRUS: For next “SINCERELY, KAT” is going to break this down for us.

TIMPF: Yes, I should do a Sincerely, Kat where I solve the crisis.

GUTFELD: But you know what, it is actually — there’s a good point here about the Afghan army. Why would you fight if you assume — why would you fight the people that are going to take over because they’re going to kill your family and kill everybody if you fight, so they’re just like, well, it’s Taliban. You know, I’m just going to like, you know, anyway.

TIMPF: And why would they — anyone focus on solutions, if there’s been no accountability for not having solutions and for messing this up lying about how bad you’re messing it up. And then just saying, I don’t know how that happened. That’s way easier. And there’s no consequences for it unfortunately. I — but I — yes, I think the Taliban is bad.

GUTFELD: That’s good. Good on you.

TIMPF: I don’t like them. They probably don’t like me either, though.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. Well, a lot of people don’t like you, so —

TIMPF: Exactly.

GUTFELD: It’s like — it’s like It’s like you putting that you’re putting them in a large group.

TIMPF: Exactly. I’ve done things that are horribly offensive by like Western American.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

TIMPF: So I can’t imagine how they would feel.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Can I volunteer my time to support the troops?

GUTFELD: Yes, you can. Yes.

MCDOWELL: When they come huh?

GUTFELD: Yes, absolutely. I don’t know how you would support them. But I’m afraid to ask. OK.

TYRUS: Moonshine.

GUTFELD: Yes. Up next. Schumer spits rhymes while counterfeiters commit crimes.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Please God make this in.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Get ready for the jerk who demands your paperwork. And is this the end of times when Chuck Schumer is busting rhymes? As more laws require vaccination proof to shop travel and sit quietly wondering where it all went wrong. Entrepreneurs are getting into the printing business. This week a Chicago pharmacist got busted for selling fake vaccination cards on eBay. That’s a Web site, Kat.

He’s facing 120 years in prison but since he’s from Chicago that makes him less likely to get murdered. This last week U.S. Customs and Border Protection sees the shipment of more than 3000 counterfeit vaccine cards from China, China. You could tell they were fake because the commies stamped them made in Taiwan. By the way, the TSA has extended the mask requirement through January 2022 for travelers on all planes and public transport as well as terminals.

And if you’re coming through San Francisco, we recommend you still wear a mask while pooping on the street. Meanwhile, fossilized Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer is so serious about getting back — things back to normal that he’s become a rapper.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. CHUCK SCHUMER (D-NY): Killing my name.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Killer Chuck, Killer Chuck (INAUDIBLE) yes. Let’s go.

SCHUMER: So Killer Chuck is my name. No, I don’t have hip hop thing. Not even bringing recognition to you. The Wu Tang clan hip hop too.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes, Chuck dropped the mic because of his arthritis. But I guess you can’t spell rap without AARP. That’s almost true. There’s an extra A though I’m going to have to fire somebody. Anyway, that might be the first ever cultural appropriation from a zombie. Schumer is not the only one demanding vaccine paperwork become part of our daily lives. Some COVID cops are taking things too far.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: All right, what is it this time?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Would you mind explaining what you were doing in a restaurant without a mask?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Just enjoying some good food?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Some good food. Our cameras show that you were at an Applebee’s.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I want to see your vaccination card.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I had it in my pocket and it rained.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It rained.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That’s what you get for going outside.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You know what? It’s none of your business anyway. OK? You can’t force me to get vaccinated.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Whoa, whoa. No one’s forcing you to get it. We’re just forcing you to have it.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Says here you have a trip coming up?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes. Well, good luck getting past the TSA with that attitude. They’re our best and brightest.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So what, am I just supposed to carry this card around with me forever?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Forever? It’s a temporary measure, like taking your shoes off at the airport.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why’d you make me take my shoes off in here?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He likes shoes.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Tyrus? Would it be predictable if I were to ask you the question about Chuck Schumer rapping?

TYRUS: Yes. You can set a watch to it. Here’s the thing, man. I’m just going to keep it real. If you’re going to do it, you got to go full regalia.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You got to go hard in the paint. And it’s Wu Tang clan aren’t nothing to (BLEEP) with. If you’re going to rap, do it right. But in typical Democratic fashion, they took something that was cool and edgy and turn it into porridge. Like you literally take your dentures out next time you’re going to rap like that. Terrible.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: I think — I think he was — I think he did it bad — so bad on purpose because he was worried about cultural appropriation.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, exactly.

TYRUS: Yes, yes.

GUTFELD: Oh, goody. What if he pulled to Hillary and decided to take an accent?

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Oh.

TYRUS: Because they don’t —

(CROSSTALK)

WHITAKER: And I can count on one hand with number of successful white rappers. All have face tattoos and none are in their 70s.

TIMPF: Eminem doesn’t have face tattoos.

GUTFELD: Not that we know of. Well, yes, we do because it would be in his face.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: That’s the thing about face —

GUTFELD: Exactly.

WHITAKER: And he hasn’t made a good song in 20 years. So like —

TIMPF: Well, yes. And they’re not great anymore. But he made a lot of good songs in the past.

GUTFELD: We’re hearing here over here from M.C. Whittaker.

TYRUS: Hey. But I bet — I bet he would do it right.

GUTFELD: You could have — you probably could have been an Insane Clown Posse. Because you got a scary look.

WHITAKER: I don’t know if that’s a compliment or insult.

TYRUS: Yes, I’m not sure either. They were successful, but not for the right reasons. Yes.

GUTFELD: They were on Red Eye.

(CROSSTALK)

WHITAKER: I don’t have a lot of musical talent. I mean, the best I could — you know, I’m more of a country singer. Because I could — I could play three chords on a guitar and tell a good story. That’s about all I can do.

GUTFELD: You play three chords on a guitar and that’s all music.

WHITAKER: Yes.

GUTFELD: It’s all music. Dagen, feel free to address any topic that we covered.

MCDOWELL: Well, I think that the whole white rapper thing that you’ve given Hunter Biden his next career —

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s true.

MCDOWELL: — opportunity. Because again, how best to like peddle your influences like charging half a million dollars to sing at some hedge fund managers like —

GUTFELD: Yes. Everybody likes the novelty.

MCDOWELL: Labor Day party.

GUTFELD: Everybody likes the novelty of having a husband show up in and rap. How do you feel about the booster shot?

MCDOWELL: Well, my pops got a shot today, got his third shot. Just an alert to all the ladies out the Washington, D.C. and east of the Mississippi. He’s getting this thing on, I guess, but he just didn’t — I — it was a very long convoluted story. He just went and got — he’s like I’m getting a booster. I was like, is it a booster? I just didn’t have time. But apparently he did get it from some dude named Judd.

I don’t know who that is. I asked him if he was involved in the medical community in some way. But I, you know, I envision like a needle getting pulled out of somebody’s coveralls. I’ll keep you posted with additional updates as the days move on.

GUTFELD: What — you know what a southern vaccine is? Dirt. Right? Roll around in the dirt that builds up your immunity.

TYRUS: That’s literally every healing thing for anyone who’s got a coach —

(CROSSTALK)

WHITAKER: We saw this. We saw the — rub some dirt on it. You saw this coming.

GUTFELD: Yes.

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WHITAKER: If you look at that card, it has multiple spaces. What did we think they were going to do? Just keep those — I mean, this is the federal government. You got to fill in the spaces.

GUTFELD: And you — it’s great. It’s just like Starbucks.

WHITAKER: Yes. There’s more —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: You get 12 vaccines. You get the 13th vaccine free.

MCDOWELL: I’m waiting for that.

GUTFELD: But then you always lose the card.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: You’re up to like eight.

WHITAKER: Laminate it and carry your wallet.

TYRUS: You can laminate it. I tried that because then they can’t sign it right.

MCDOWELL: Right.

TIMPF: Yes.

WHITAKER: Oh, there we go.

TYRUS: Yes, mine was folded. And I had to open it today. And I was like, well, damn, there you go. I’m assuming it’s legit. I mean, it’s just terrible.

GUTFELD: I had — we were going out — we went out to dinner cat in New York City last night, and we had to sit outside because my wife wasn’t vaccinated. Don’t you think that’s racist?

TIMPF: I think it’s horrible.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: I’m proud of you. I’m surprised you didn’t go inside.

WHITAKER: And you just violated the law by sharing somebody’s medical patient but —

GUTFELD: Oh my god, I did.

WHITAKER: I don’t want to be — I don’t want to be the former Attorney General but, you know, I kind of am.

GUTFELD: I just —

TIMPF: I’m not allowed —

GUTFELD: And you’re going to citizen’s arrest me because that’s kinky.

TIMPF: That’s never happened on this show. Shockingly. Shockingly.

GUTFELD: You’ve been violating HIPAA or me getting arrested.

TIMPF: I’m sure we violated HIPAA many times.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

TIMPF: But any of us getting arrested. I think it’s horrible because you’re going to lose it. And then, you know, so I have a picture of it on my phone.

GUTFELD: That’s what I did.

TIMPF: But the worst thing is, you know, something that could hypothetically happen at the airport is for example, if you’re showing someone like your ticket or something, hypothetically, you could accidentally have the — something else open. And they can look at that.

GUTFELD: Like what?

TIMPF: Like something else.

GUTFELD: I don’t know what you’re getting at — getting it.

TIMPF: Or good.

WHITAKER: Where are we at on masks?

GUTFELD: No.

WHITAKER: Do they work? Do we have to wear two? Do we have to wear a —

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: That is a good idea. Oh, you can —

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: If you’re going to keep something on your phone, take blank pictures around it.

TIMPF: S that way —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Now I figured it out.

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: they’re talking about nudes. People make —

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Talking about family recipe.

TIMPF: Yes. Listen, my grandma found out that someone else saw that recipe.

MCDOWELL: Your grandma taught you how to show photos to stranger.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: I don’t know where this conversation went.

TYRUS: Masks.

GUTFELD: But — oh, up next. Was it a tasteless joke or just another hoax?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST (on camera): Will we ever solve the puzzle of who sent her a muzzle? Well, she targeted by anti-vaxxed folks, or is it all a hoax? It’s time for —

ANNOUNCER: “IS THIS A CRIME OR JUST STUPID?”

GUTFELD: It’s the eternal question. Welcome to “IS THIS A CRIME OR JUST STUPID?” I’m your host, Sandy Duncan.

Tonight, the case of Dr. Michelle Fiscus. She was Tennessee’s vaccine director who was fired last month after promoting vaccines for teenagers without their parent’s permission.

But she claimed that before she was fired, she received an odd package in the mail.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DR. MICHELLE FISCUS, FIRED TENNESSEE VACCINE OFFICIAL: I received a package that contained a dog muzzle, and at first, I thought that was a joke and contacted a few friends, and then, when no one claimed it realized that, that was something that was sent to me as some kind of a message, I suppose.

They obviously didn’t know me because they sent me a size-three which is for beagles, and I’m obviously a pit bull, which requires a size-six.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That’s scary. If someone really sent her that, that’s not very nice. But a state investigation concluded this week that the muzzle was bought on Amazon using her own credit card.

So, that means we either have a very slick harasser or a very dumb doctor. Apparently, there were two Amazon accounts in her name, once she let the FBI access when they first met with her, which they determined the muzzle wasn’t ordered from. But investigators later determined that a second account open in March of this year purchased the muzzle with her card.

This is where it should go boom boom.

And it may have been used for even more embarrassing purchases.

Yes. Anyway, Fiscus admits her card was used but has no idea who used it, tweeting, “Report says a second account was made under my name from a phone in Washington? Waiting on unredacted report. Hold tight. No, I didn’t send it to myself.

Well, that’s harder to believe than the plot of Air Bud. You know, which was about a dog that played basketball. I think.

Tyrus, you said you had some breaking news.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes. Your husband did it. So, yes, this is — this is a husband thing. This is a — I hate to be the one to break it, and this is — the size-three wasn’t for you, dear. It’s just — he made a friend and they thought it would be really fun if he got her muzzle and he made a secret account, but he just — it was new.

And so, he just used the first card that he had in his wallet which was on the joint account, but nothing I’ve ever drunk, ordered something on Amazon and tried to pretend like, honey, I have no idea where this came from. This is — this ridiculous. I don’t I — don’t — I would never own a thigh master.

But this is — and now it’s all in the thing and she’s like, I’m sorry, what? I can tell exactly I was calling, and it was, was what? And the husband’s like, what is it here? What’s — What happened?

Second Amazon account. And he’s sweating is ridiculous. Wow. Do you think maybe it was hacked? Yes, it must have been hacked. We’ll get to the bottom of this. Damn it.

GUTFELD: Wow, man, you’re blaming the husband.

TYRUS: Yes, Greg. Just like every time your wife gets that weird package, leather chaps, ball.

MATTHEW WHITAKER, FORMER ACTING UNITED STATES ATTORNEY GENERAL: OK.

TYRUS: Blueprints in how to build the (INAUDIBLE).

WHITAKER: Well, the prosecutor in me? Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes, I need two — OK.

WHITAKER: Yes.

TYRUS: Two, two time.

WHITAKER: See is two things. First of all, she knows a lot about the size of muzzles.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: If you —

WHITAKER: That — see — is seem very strange for somebody has never ordered them before.

TYRUS: Yes.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR (voice-over): Yes.

TYRUS: Yes, never.

WHITAKER: And then second, how many have experienced the same thing I have? If you don’t get the zip code right for your billing address, it kicks you out.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: So, this idea that somehow something didn’t have a card in front of them with the what’s on the back. I just — there’s a couple of data points that was suggests there’s more to this story, and we’ll find out.

GUTFELD: Yes, I think that she’s — I — Kat, I’m almost impressed that she’s sticking to her guns. But there’s a sense of Smollett here and that it’s too complicated.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: It’s someone who gets — I get crazy hate mail, it’s never this clever.

TIMPF (on camera): Yes, it’s absolutely I get crazy hate mail tone. It’s not —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: It’s from me.

TIMPF: It’s — thank you. I know which ones are from you because you sign them.

GUTFELD: Staving.

TIMPF: Staving, yes. Yes. Yes, well, at this point, you just got to stick to it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Right? I mean, what else is she going to do?

TYRUS: Husband did it.

TIMPF: She did the whole — she wanted attention. She wanted attention, people were being mean to her, but like nothing was so bad that she got the attention she wanted. It’s just awful because there’s so many legal options for attention with the Internet. You could have just started an only fans like everybody else who wants attention.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Then she makes money, and if she got fired, then you know, Vanity Fair write an article about she’s a feminist hero. Boom. Should it talk to me.

GUTFELD: There you go. You’re an expert on attention-seeking.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I do it professionally.

GUTFELD: Yes, it’s true.

OK, so, Dagen, for her to be telling the truth, the offensive person must have planned enough in advance to steal the credit card information to buy the muzzle. It was like a two-step process, which I mean, that’s a lot of work.

TYRUS: For a husband.

WHITAKER: Yes.

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK ANCHOR (on camera): All right, it’s not the husband because it would have been two ball gags and a zip-up latex body bag.

TYRUS: I said he was nervous. It was his first time. She said she thought muzzle, he didn’t realize —

(CROSSTALK)

MCDOWELL: I talk to —

GUTFELD: I just want — I want to point out before we go any further for the viewers at home, not everybody isn’t to BDS, and M like these people are. Go ahead.

MCDOWELL: What — you — a muzzle doesn’t fit on a (INAUDIBLE) face.

TYRUS: He is new. It was his first, feeling sneaky, he was nervous.

MCDOWELL: OK. All right, that being said, you know, she stupidly crafted this joke.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: About the beagle, but I’m a pit bull. One year ripping off Sarah Palin, which I don’t know if is the way to go. Where was she? CNN?

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF Oh my God.

MCDOWELL: She’s on CNN or whatever, MSNBC. And she didn’t work the material out in front of audience or even family members because they were told her that the joke doesn’t work in the first place.

GUTFELD: I think she didn’t think it was going to make any news. And then they caught — they caught — she must have tweeted about it. And then it got out of her hands.

TIMPF: You wanted it to make the news, she just don’t want it to make the cops.

GUTFELD: Well, you know what, we’re going to keep track this story because we don’t know where it ends up.

TYRUS: Yes, we do. Husband did it.

GUTFELD: Yes. And to your point, we probably won’t actually revisit this topic because —

(CROSSTALK)

WHITAKER: This is what keeps us coming back. Every week —

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: And I’ll be right.

WHITAKER: Don’t worry, I’ll bring it back. I guarantee you.

TYRUS: The husband did it.

GUTFELD: All right. Up next, which group thinks America is the best? It might not be who you guessed.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Which group is first to say they love the USA? A new poll finds that Native Americans are the racial group most likely to say that the United States is the greatest nation on Earth. Interesting.

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Meaning, our schools have a lot of room to convince them were awful. 73 percent said they take the most pride in the land where they reside, followed by people who describe their race as other at 55 percent.

Note, the other category does not include Rachel Dolezal. And Hispanic and White Americans are at both 52 percent. But only 43 percent of Black Americans said the U.S. was the best. Though they were far from the lowest, just 28 percent of Asian Americans put the U.S. at number one. Maybe they’re the group that watched the most news this week.

So, how can you ever go against America when you’ve got this guy?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What these husky dogs pulling in on the skateboard?

Would you folded out of a song —

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: America.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Don’t you mock that man.

All right, Mr. Whitaker, is it cut — I mean, I thought it was pretty nice at 50 percent in total — in total said that we’re the best. Is it because we’re so great, or the rest of the world just sucks.

WHITAKER: It’s because we are great. And there is no doubt that we’re the greatest country in the world. Now, the question is, if we’re not the greatest, who is?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: France?

GUTFELD: No.

WHITAKER: I mean, what are we dealing with Russia? I mean, if you —

GUTFELD: Russia.

WHITAKER: We’re actually go down our competition.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: I mean, the part of it is because our competition is weak.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: And second is because, you know, we are great.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. I have a theory, Tyrus. Would you like to hear it?

TYRUS: I have no choice. It’s your show.

GUTFELD: Yes. The question has to do with the age that you’re living in. So, we might be a better country but it has to do with technology. For example, I would rather be in Mexico 2021 than America 1821. Right?

TYRUS: What? What the — 1821? You and I even conversation, I’m planning on killing you as soon as I get my chains off.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Talking about.

TYRUS: But you make it — I don’t know about that weird — about Mexico, but you make a great point. The age is important because we —

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: When you’re younger you don’t appreciate everything. You have no experience. So, of course, America sucks because we got to get a job and —

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: They only (INAUDIBLE). Anyone who’s been on anytime you see the interview on campus like, I kind of like America? And you know, I’m just on the ropes.

But when you get older and you appreciate things or you spent time other places.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: Like having traveled the world.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Every — and I’ve been everywhere. At every place I’ve been after about three days. I’m like, when’s our flight back to America?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: And you know why? Air conditioning and ice?

TYRUS: Yes. And in America, you got a pistol or money, you can get food.

GUTFELD: Yes, that is true. That true. Pistol and money, air conditioning, ice. America.

TYRUS: America.

WHITAKER: America.

GUTFELD: I love that they make fun of us about ice. When I lived in London —

TYRUS: They go, oh, you’re going to put your ice.

GUTFELD: Yes, because you — steak.

TYRUS: Don’t even have good bacon. Go to Europe and ask for bacon. (INAUDIBLE) on the first plane back.

GUTFELD: Oh, ham. It’s like ham.

TYRUS: It’s still oinking.

GUTFELD: Yes, it’s terrible. I hate the world. Kat, Fox.

TIMPF: Oh, yes. I — America is good. I like America.

MCDOWELL: Really?

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TIMPF: Yes, I do.

GUTFELD: Oh, I don’t know about — I can see right through it.

TIMPF: When I start my own country of (INAUDIBLE), it will be better. You guys can all come but you got to take care of yourself there.

Yes, everybody. But I — like people who think other countries are great even if they’ve traveled to other countries, they haven’t really traveled to other countries, they’ve traveled to resorts in other countries.

GUTFELD: That’s true.

TIMPF: Which is basically like luxury America with different weather.

GUTFELD: It’s like saying — it’s like — it’s like judging the world by the ethnic restaurants.

(CROSSTALK)

WHITAKER: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes, like you are at the Hyatt. You are at the Hyatt.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: Yes.

TIMPF: You were in the other country.

GUTFELD: I just — I just was at (INAUDIBLE).

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: And I got to tell you, no boo. Oh, hey, I don’t know what I’m saying. What last word to you, Dagen.

MCDOWELL: I live in New York City. And so, I don’t have ice in my apartment. My air conditioner rarely works. And I’m not allowed to have a gun, and I still walk around with my proud American hat from Fox News on my head.

GUTFELD: There you go. All right.

Up next, it was a birthday romp until an alligator chomp.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: He jumped in to fight a gator when most would have said, see you later. We’re about to show you some disturbing footage.

TIMPF: Yuck.

GUTFELD: Hi, kid. Kat, no more sandals around the office.

But we do have to warn you of some graphic tape that we’re about to show you. Parents, if you have small children in the room. Please tell the monsters will eat them if they interrupt your viewing pleasure.

An 8.5 foot long alligator named Darth Gator snapped down on its handler’s hand, yanking her into the tank during a children’s birthday party in Utah.

Lindsay Bull was about to feed the reptile when it bit her hand, like one of Joe Biden’s dogs attacking the Secret Service. Is that true? But a hero bystander named Donnie Wiseman fearlessly jumped into the tank and onto the gators back, pinning it down for two minutes until Bull was finally able to free her hand.

He said once things were under control, he went outside to smoke a cigarette. The gator also smoked a cigarette because the experience was so satisfying.

Lindsay Bull underwent hand surgery but is expected to make a full recovery. Kat, thoughts, alligator. Best birthday party — children’s birthday party ever. Am I right?

TIMPF: I mean because it turned out that way?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Otherwise, there be a lot of kids with lifelong trauma. Like not just — I mean, the person who died and suffer them, but all the kids had suffer them too — suffer everybody.

Thank God was this a Donnie Wiseman —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Hero.

TIMPF: In his — in his reflective — I mean, what a great guy. I wouldn’t have done that, right?

GUTFELD: No.

TIMPF: I would have just stood there and made a loud noise which is what I do in most situations.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Yes, yes, I don’t want to choke on like a piece of steak around you.

TIMPF: No.

GUTFELD: Yes, you just immediately start texting somebody.

TIMPF: Like I have to lie?

GUTFELD: Instagramming or going to TikTok. How do you do the Heimlich maneuver, TikTok?

TIMPF: I am too old for TikTok.

WHITAKER: But how awesome is it, Greg, to have a show and have cell phone video now? I mean —

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: You just like it makes your show, right? You got all these great viral videos.

GUTFELD: That’s true.

WHITAKER: But — and how like awesome in the traditional sense of the word is the death spin of a crocodile? I mean, those are — they just start spinning.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

WHITAKER: Wow.

GUTFELD: I know — I know. I’m telling you, Dagen, kids are going to start — this is going to — kids you’re going to be asking their mommy to have a man wrestle an alligator at their birthday party. It sure beats balloon animals. You got a real animal, scales, and everything.

MCDOWELL: I actually know people who might do that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: For the right price.

TYRUS: I’m in.

MCDOWELL: I —

TYRUS: I’m in.

MCDOWELL: I know a lot — I know a lot of people. By the way, the kids, you go to a reptile emporium, they go to watch the snakes being fed.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCDOWELL: OK. So, they’re eating. They’re not — they’re not eating live humans, but they’re eating dead mice that have been thawed out in a bucket.

GUTFELD: You’re right.

MCDOWELL: So, they’re going for some gore in the first place.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: So, to see a woman kind of sort to get and taken down by a large lizard, that’s kind of like, try and top that mom and papa.

GUTFELD: Yes, that got kids got — that kid’s going to brag about this birthday forever. Not that I’m condoning what happened.

MCDOWELL: Yes.

GUTFELD: I’m just saying that kid’s going to — got the best birthday ever. This is certainly better than a magician, Tyrus. You are the king of all reptiles.

TYRUS: Well, you know, unfortunately, this is always sad that when you have a children’s party and a misogynistic alligator shows up. And, you know, it attacks women. The good news is, he’s been taken off Twitter.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Instagram has been blocked.

TIMPF: Cancel.

TYRUS: He’s been cancelled. He no longer going to — he’s no longer doing birthday parties. He did have an apology, but it was really long-winded. And he kind — he like owned it, but he didn’t own it.

WHITAKER: Own it.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

TYRUS: You know, I’m saying. So, unfortunately for him, he couldn’t take the pressure of being outside. He unfortunately didn’t end well, and he’s now a handbag in Missouri. But, you know, the point is kids, you know, you got to respect everybody.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Even if for an alligator.

GUTFELD: Yes, true. And you know what? I hear at the reptile birthday party, they’re going to scale it all back.

MCDOWELL: Oh.

TYRUS: Oh.

GUTFELD: You know, I wanted to make everybody feel bad —

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Sometimes your jokes are just prehistoric, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes, they are. All right, don’t go away. We’ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Remember to set your DVRs every night, so, you never miss an episode.

Thanks to the wonderful Dagen McDowell, the great Matt Whitaker, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience.

“FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil, evil Shannon Bream is next.

I’m Greg Gutfeld, and I love you, America.

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