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This is a rush transcript of “Gutfeld!” on September 1, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

LAURA INGRAHAM, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST (on camera): Thank you for watching. 

Remember, it’s America now and forever. “GUTFELD!” is next.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST (on camera): I blame them for everything.

All right, happy Wednesday, everyone. We got a great show tonight. Good to see, Lisa Boothe is back. Yes, you can clap.

They’re not boot and their boot in them.

It’s good to see or especially after what happened to her last night.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

LISA BOOTHE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR (voice-over): I have some bruises.

GUTFELD: Yes, a little too far to the left.

You know, clumsy people should stick to dancing on the floor. Really?

(CROSSTALK)

BOOTHE: Not good, (INAUDIBLE).

GUTFELD: All right. Now, you’d be quiet. I’m trying to do a monologue.

So, it’s been really hard to gauge the vice president’s performance during the Afghanistan fiasco, mainly because she’s been harder to find than a non-binary Taliban leader, which basically means he sleeps with both women and goats.

It’s almost like she was abducted by aliens and not the ones pouring across our southern border. Honestly, I’m starting to miss her. Her gravitas, her sincerity, her compassion towards looters and arsonists. But also I really miss her soothing laugh.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Wow!

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What do you laughing for?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I’ll be honest, I’m going through cackle withdrawal. But I’ve been making do with this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Come my comic cohorts in crime.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I love him. True, we’d have more luck finding Cesar Romero at a laundromat in Queens than finding Kamala anywhere. Guess that means it’s time for — 

ANNOUNCER: “IN SEARCH OF KAMALA HARRIS”. With your host, Sarah Jessica Parker.

GUTFELD: That was a mistake. Welcome to In “SEARCH OF KAMALA HARRIS”. And for tonight, I’m your host, Sarah Jessica Parker.

So, while the country endured a week and a half of horrible news, we heard that Kamala went on a trip to Vietnam. Why does that name ring a bell? What happened over there? Not sure. But she left faster than the last U.S. 

helicopter out of Saigon in 1975.

She stopped over at Pearl Harbor. Fair enough. But if she’s interested in military tragedies, there is one — she’s presiding over currently. But I guess it’s fitting, Kamala’s approval rating is also a dive-bombing zero.

Then, there was an event that was close to the press. What happened there? 

No idea. It was closed to the press. Something I just said three-sentence ago. Sometimes I really wish you were listening to me.

Fact is, Harris has been as quiet as Don Lemon after he sees his own ratings. She’s been as closed mouth as our president when he loses his choppers.

This is interesting. For as we were once told, she was supposed to be the real commander in chief, not the old guy currently trying to put Kleenex boxes on his feet and combing his hair with a toilet brush.

As Joe Concha points out in The Hill, which is a web site, not a mound of dirt. She was a historic consequential figure. He cites POLITICO’s headline that mirrored so many others. “Harris has the potential to change the face of U.S. politics.” Sorry, this dame couldn’t change the lint filter in your dryer, which is where they harvest Joe’s hair.

But still, she was always the anointed one. But now, this big deal has vanished like food left on a tray in a hotel hallway two doors down for Brian Stelter’s room.

That was a long way for a joke.

Since she took office, she has not held one solo press conference and she’s no longer doing one on one interviews. Wow, what a powerful display of feminism. And you do know, Hillary is sitting at home in a robe drinking a bud, watching Harris on T.V., and going, are you — me?

But one shouldn’t be surprised. This is what happens when you’re chosen based only on intersectionality instead of competence. But the Dems are in a fix. Biden’s numbers are dropping like pigeon poop on a statue. But Kamala Harris’s are worse.

As Concha points out, a recent USA Today poll has the V.P. at 35 percent approval. 40 — 54 percent disapproval. That’s insane. For a V.P. just seven months in, Harris is 19 points underwater.

If she sunk any lower, she’d qualify for Shark Week. And she hasn’t done anything memorable. It’s a rare feat to be both invisible and unpopular. 

Which might be why her Secret Service code name is silent but deadly. She’s the human version of carbon monoxide.

But, maybe it’s a strategy. The more you see of her, the worse it gets. So, keep her under wraps. You know, it’s kind of like Michael Moore in a thong.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: True.

GUTFELD: Yes, you’re right. Nothing is like Michael Moore in a thong. And I apologize for placing that image into your heads.

Anyway, it puts the Dems in quite a pickle. Joe doesn’t look like a second termer. In fact, the action of Vegas doesn’t have sleepy Joe making it to Thanksgiving. Many of you think he’s sleeping now, wait until he’s had some turkey.

Biden completing his term, this man can’t even complete his sentences. And when the strategy for your successor is keeping her out of sight, then maybe you should rethink that successor. Unless this is somehow planned.

Joe is publicly bad, Kamala is nowhere to be found. Keeping her under wraps as he implodes, that might make sense with inflation, crime, COVID, spending, and now, Afghanistan.

Perhaps, the real strategy is making Joe look so bad, he exits earlier than expected. Like a starting pitcher who gives up eight runs in the first inning. That’s a sports metaphor, Lisa.

If that’s the Democrat’s plan, I’ve got two words for them. Mission accomplished. I got two other words for the Dems, but this is a family show.

But after so many bad things happening so fast, maybe anything different looks good, including even someone you can’t even find, like Kamala. The Democratic Party reminds me of me in my single days.

You know, after having eight drinks, and I’m at last call. I go home with a panda. And during that vacation in Singapore, I did.

ANNOUNCER: Period!

GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guest.

At 4:00 a.m., he’s already giving farmers, garbage men, and meth heads, all the news they need. “FOX AND FRIENDS” first co-anchor, Todd Piro.

And while Todd’s up early noosing, she’s still out boozing. Republican strategists and Fox News contributor, Lisa Boothe.

And her 12-step program is falling down three or four out of time. Fox’s contributor Kat Timpf.

Finally, his audience is always in stitches, because they stabbed themselves after seeing he’s stand up. Comedian Joe Machi.

All right, Lisa, good to see you. Slightly sober.

BOOTHE: That’s what you think. Just kidding.

GUTFELD: I know. No, yes, just kidding. I’ve used that line.

You know, why do you — I threw out a couple of theories and why we’re not seeing Harris at all. VP. Harris. Do you have any theories why she’s out of sight?

BOOTHE (on camera): I think Joe Biden, he hates her.

GUTFELD: That could be it.

BOOTH: Because — let me think about it. If you were to deal with Kamala Harris on a daily basis, or with any sort of frequency, wouldn’t you want her out of the picture as much as possible? I would send her away every single day. I would have her on trips every week, I’d send her to North Korea, she can hanging out with Kim Jong-un.

I mean, if this is someone you had to deal with on a daily basis, wouldn’t you want her out of sight as much as possible? But I think to your monologue, you’re right. There’s a very real possibility that neither Joe Biden or Kamala Harris are the Democrat nominee in 2024.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know what, you made me realize that President Biden’s sent her to the border, as punishment for him calling her a racist.

BOOTHE: I literally think they hate each other.

GUTFELD: That’s — remember, the (INAUDIBLE), when he call it — when he said I was that little girl — to him. And so, he’s like — now I really liked Biden and is — I think I might have been Dr. Jill, though. But he is like going — he is like going, you know, when. when that time she called me racist, maybe she should go down and deal with the disenfranchised down at the border, if she’s so progressive.

So, he sent her down there. And now I’m beginning to like the guy, although.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: See?

GUTFELD: He probably did that unintentionally, Todd. Todd, it’s good to see you’re still awake.

TODD PIRO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL ANCHOR: Sort off.

GUTFELD: Had a long day so far. Is this a big problem for the Democrats?

PIRO: Oh, it’s a huge problem. And I can’t decide to your monologue’s point whether this is intentional or this is a failure, and that’s a common question we have so often with this administration.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

PIRO: is that — can I say, was just purposeful? Was this just a messed up? 

Some combination of both? What I just can never wrap my hands around, and my contribution to this thought is this. She was a former prosecutor.

GUTFELD: Right.

PIRO: Yet, they hesitate to put her in any kind of an ad lib situation, because we saw the Lester Holt interview.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRO: Lester Holt isn’t Clarence Darrow here, the pinnacle of jurisprudence. He asked the question like, what do you do? And he’s — I’ve never been to Europe. What? What?

You know, so — that is very concerning to me If I’m the (INAUDIBLE).

(CROSSTALK)

BOOTHE: Another place to send her.

PIRO: Send her to Europe.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BOOTHE: Joe, if you’re listening, another place to send her.

GUTFELD: But it’s got to be a really bad place in Europe. Not a good place. 

Like, you’re not — you’re not going to Scandinavia. Although I don’t know

— everything in Europe is pretty good, right? Yes, yes. Let me take out McDonald’s.

(CROSSTALK)

BOOTHE: Especially compared to here these days.

GUTFELD: What?

BOOTHE: Especially compared to here these days.

GUTFELD: Oh, anti-American. You make me sick.

So, Joe, do you think Kamala will be the choice for the Democrats for president in 2024?

JOE MACHI, STAND-UP COMEDIAN: I doubt it, Greg. Biden-Harris is like when a snake fights a python. They are only hurting each other.

What I’ll tell you why things going down here reminds me of back in high school, when the kids would throw a no-parents alcohol party, and I would call the police because I wasn’t invited.

And as I watched from the bushes, I noticed that everyone would run away when the cops showed up because they wanted to get away from where the trouble was. I think that’s what the Vice President Harris is doing. She’s saying, oh, I was in the room when Joe Biden plan the withdrawal.

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And now she’s saying, look at all the rooms I’m in that don’t have Joe Biden planning stuff.

GUTFELD: Maybe the room she was in is the timeout room.

MACHI: Doesn’t matter. Just can’t have — just to cover the room.

GUTFELD: Yes. Kat, is she had a similar issue that you have. We can’t tell if it’s intentional or it’s just on purpose. Wait, those are the same.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR (on camera): What issue?

GUTFELD: What? Oh, you name one.

TIMPF: The laughing? Because I also have an annoying laugh. People always tell me, stop with that laugh as if like I chose this one — 

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: You have a husky laugh? You have a husky laugh.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: You laugh like a 14-year-old boy.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like Beavis and Butt-Head.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

BOOTHE: I don’t think you have a bad laugh.

TIMPF: Oh, I do.

BOOTHE: Why?

TIMPF: But I — you know — 

GUTFELD: You should hear her in the office. Its people cry when — 

TIMPF: Yes. I — look, with Kamala, I think that there’s an alternate way of looking at this that she’s actually doing everything as vice president that she was chosen to do because if — as you said, she was chosen just because she checks off certain boxes, identity wise.

Then, by that logic, all she needs to do is just exist.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Keep existing. And as far as we know, still does.

GUTFELD: And you know what, it’s interesting to both of — both of them served a purpose in winning, she ticked the boxes, and he was the Trojan horse of moderation, right?

So, he — that’s why I don’t like seeing Dems turning on Joe because Joe — who knew — I don’t know if Joe actually wanted to run for president. 

Right? He did — he was like, you know, he was — he wanted to go hang out somewhere.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Preferably naked somewhere. That’s a rumor, by the way. I don’t have anything to substantiate that.

BOOTHE: Is there anything you’d like to tell us?

GUTFELD: There was that time one weekend. But I don’t want to get into it. 

Delaware is a crazy place.

All right, up next, will a phone conversation be Biden’s damnation? Good ride.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: If Trump got impeached for one bad call, will Biden’s chat be his downfall?

And the man who saved Joe’s bacon, now, he’s been forsaken. Yes, this is some reward in Afghan interpreter who helped rescue Biden and John Kerry from a snowstorm in 2008, allowing them to continue to make disastrous foreign policy decisions has been left behind.

It was the most daring rescue of a Biden from an avalanche of white stuff since Hunter went into rehab.

Known only as Mohammed, a common Irish name, Joe. He was stranded unable to get out during the recent evacuation, and that sucks. Mohammed’s life is in danger because he got bumped from his flight.

The good news is the in-flight movie was Cats. He’s now in hiding and begging Biden to save him. In response, Biden said, we can’t, but how about a free Humvee?

Mohammed told The Wall Street Journal, “Hello, Mr. President, save me and my family, don’t forget me here.”

Mohammed so desperate, he even offered to let Biden sniff his wife’s hair. 

That’s not true. It’s a joke. Poor guy.

And as if it couldn’t get any more worse for Joe, it actually does, Reuters, whoever that is, obtained the official transcript of a July 23rd call between Biden and the former Afghan president.

In it, Biden seem concerned about optics rather than safety, less than four weeks from the Taliban takeover. Biden to Ghani, “I need not tell you the perception around the world and in parts of Afghanistan, I believe, is that things are not going well in terms of the fight against the Taliban. And there is a need, whether it is true or not, there is a need to project a different picture.”

That’s pretty explosive asking a leader to lie about the reality of a war to help yourself politically. But I think Biden really crossed the line when he offered the guy a discount on one of Hunter’s paintings.

Anyway, turns out, there was more to that phone call.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So, Ghani, like I was saying, it’s all about perception. 

If people think it’s going well, it’s going well. And let me just say, if things go bad, I will forget you guys. I mean, of course, we won’t forget you. You know, I tend to forget things. Like, you know, the simple things, like, I know it’s I before E except after C. But there’s a couple of exceptions. I never know what they are.

And, Ghani, did you know I was vice president of the United States for like eight years? I don’t remember any of it.

Ghani, you still there? I understand. I’m tired. You’re going to catch a few myself.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: To Todd, I seem to remember this long, long process of outrage over the perfect phone call that led to an impeachment. And that perfect phone call to the — I can’t even remember what it was, Ukraine, whoever it was, it’s gone now, has pales nothing compared to this.

Pales nothing compared to this? Made no sense, Todd. See, I am so outraged my sentences make no sense.

PIRO: Republicans would never think to impeach Joe Biden over this.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Right.

PIRO: But the moment the Democrats saw that phone call with Trump. They’re like, well, clearly this is an impeachable offense and we can drag him through the mud for forever.

GUTFELD: Right.

PIRO: But that phone call — I mean, that completely undercuts the notion of, I had no idea it could go this bad. You literally warn the guy that hey, whether it’s perception or not, it is going this bad.

As for the interpreter, we’re about to have him on tomorrow morning.

GUTFELD: Oh, really?

PIRO: Scheduled to have him on, fingers crossed that we do.

If you’re the president of the United States, and this guy saved your life.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRO: Isn’t he number one on the plane?

GUTFELD: Exactly.

PIRO: If somebody saves my life, and I’m not the president of the United States, I’m doing everything in my power to give that guy everything. I’ll give him my house, my car, this job, I’ll make him stay up 24 hours and come on GUTFELD! You know, like, I’ll give him whatever he wants.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Yes, and you’re the real hero Todd.

PIRO: I am. Thank you.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

TIMPF: Thank you for your service.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRO: (INAUDIBLE).

GUTFELD: Joe, I remember when I save your life — 

(CROSSTALK)

BOOTHE: It’s an honor to sit next to you.

GUTFELD: Remember when I saved your life, I — 

(CROSSTALK)

MACHI: Which time?

GUTFELD: I remember the one when I pulled you out of that toy claw machine. 

I don’t know how you got in there.

MACHI: I hate when you do grab something. You just — lets go. It’s a — the whole things are forced.

But I’ll tell you what, real quick, the Trump impeachment was when the deep state released the transcript because they didn’t like the president. And it seems like that happened again here. And that’s a bad precedent we’ve set.

But to say how I think this really hurts or reminds me of another parable. 

I have a bunch (INAUDIBLE). It reminds me this time I found a guy’s wallet and returned it, and he didn’t give me any cash.

GUTFELD: Right.

MACHI: So, the next time I find a wallet, I’m keeping it. And I — that’s the thing if we abandon our allies, next time, we need allies — 

GUTFELD: Yes.

MACHI: They’re not going to be there.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, I don’t know where that wallet would go in your member’s only jacket. Pretty snug.

MACHI: Well, I’ve been having too much pasta, you know, over lockdown, Greg.

GUTFELD: No, I wasn’t talking about your weight, I was talking about how tight that jacket is. It’s a very tight jacket.

MACHI: Well, I guess — I guess my insecurities show through as well.

BOOTHE: Oh, I like your jacket.

MACHI: Thank you.

GUTFELD: You know, no one asks you, Lisa.

God knows what that’s — that — would never mind. Kat.

TIMPF: Yes, Greg.

GUTFELD: It is kind of shameful to Todd’s point that this guy is still there. It’s crazy.

TIMPF: Yes, it’s very, it’s very awful. But at least, you know, Biden’s not tweeting any mean stuff about him.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

TIMPF: That would be really bad.

GUTFELD: We got rid of the mean Tweeter, and we got the nice guy who’s leaving people.

TIMPF: He’s impolite while he leaves people there to be slaughtered.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: This is, unfortunately, this been happening during this entire war. 

You know, in the Afghan papers, Colonel Bob Crowley admitted that they would alter data to make things look like they were going better than they really were. It’s just been the theme of this whole war.

How about, you know, you should be more concerned with how it’s actually going and these life or death situations than how it looks like it’s going. 

But then again, you know, I’m not a politician or a general.

GUTFELD: And you’re barely human, Kat.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: You know, but the point you’re making is probably the most important point. How do you get a 20-year war? It’s when all you’re getting is good news.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: And we understand why bad news is bad — it causes bad morale. But what is good news, that’s not real do, it keeps a war at kind of a low boil for 20 years. And that’s what I think we got.

Lisa, as a Republican strategist, do you need any work to take down Joe Biden or is he doing a pretty good job himself?

BOOTHE: He’s doing a pretty good job. It’s almost like is it intentional? 

Like, to your point on the last, how do you get so much so wrong so quickly? And — I mean, it raises a whole host of questions. But regarding the phone call with President Trump, remember, Zelensky didn’t even know that money was being withheld.

GUTFELD: Right.

BOOTHE: So, you can’t have a quid pro quo when the other person doesn’t know anything’s being leverage. So, the entire premise was moronic, but with Joe Biden — yes, Kevin McCarthy and Mitch McConnell need to grow a pair and bring articles of impeachment of this guy. Not only did his incompetence get 13 Marines killed, he has now left Americans behind.

They said the majority of our Special Immigrant Visas with translators and with also people that fought alongside of have been left behind. We took random Afghans. Order reports at some of those people are terrorists.

I mean, they got nothing, right. So, it’s time for Joe Biden to go. And he’s also trying to take vacation during all this. He can’t even give a primetime speech, which also raises questions, what’s going on up here? He should be in a nursing home, not the White House.

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GUTFELD: You know — 

BOOTHE: He can’t even stay up past 5:00 p.m.

GUTFELD: What is — how is growing a pair going to help anybody? I get it to delicious fruit.

BOOTHE: You tell me.

GUTFELD: But, I mean, it’s like, I don’t see. It’s like, I think they should be actually getting some balls and impeaching him.

BOOTHE: That’s what (INAUDIBLE) say, but you just — 

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Rather than — 

BOOTHE: I don’t want to go all the way.

GUTFELD: That you’re talking about growing fruit. Lisa, sometimes I wonder what’s going on in your head.

BOOTHE: I didn’t — I didn’t want to take it all the way.

GUTFELD: All right.

BOOTHE: So, you did it for me.

GUTFELD: There you go.

BOOTH: Thank you.

GUTFELD: Up next, they were kicked out of schools for disobeying vaccine rules.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: “PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS END!”

GUTFELD: As the Delta surges, so do, the vaccine purges. This week, Virginia Tech disenrolled — I guess that means expelled, 134 students who failed to comply with the university vaccine mandate.

This, as the University of Virginia, another college kicked out 238 students who didn’t comply with its vaccine rules.

For more, let’s go live to see what those students are doing instead.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, my God!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: America is doomed. And speaking of idiots, been a while since we heard from these two chuckle bunnies.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DON LEMON, HOST CNN: If you’re not going to get vaccinated, you don’t want to social distance, you don’t want to wear a mask, then maybe you don’t want to go to the hospital when you get sick.

I know that sounds harsh, but you’re taking up this face for people who are doing things the right way. You and I both agree on. This is going to be between the vaccinated and the unvaccinated moving forward in this country.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Makes sense, Don. Now, do smokers do drinkers fat people, motorcyclists, mountain climbers and other elevated risk takers? Maybe we should make hospitals, only for people who deserve to go to the hospital. 

You know, it’s so much more fun to divide the new night vaxxers versus anti-vaxxers.

No wonder we’re crushing Don’s show like when a cat’s Adderall pills in a club bathroom. I didn’t spill any secret. 

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: I take (INAUDIBLE). I have ADD- ADHD. Don’t be able-ist. 

GUTFELD: So, Joe, it feels like these vax mandates are now freelance authoritarianism. You know, it’s not the government doing it, so it’s OK.

JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: That’s a great term that you just coined, Greg. Yes, you know, I wish someone would have kicked me out of college. You would have done me a favor. I didn’t knew how to make wisecracks and drink beer. 

To, yes, and your point, I mean, for college kids, one vaccinated people as the head of the CDC, Rochelle Walensky had already said: can spread COVID. 

GUTFELD: Yes.

MACHI: So, your vaccination status does not mean that you’re not going to spread it if you’ve been vaccinated. Also, like you said, there’s a lot of things that are dangerous that we do nothing about. I remember in high school thinking, cheerleading is the most dangerous thing I’ve ever seen. I would shout during the football games. Be careful, you’re standing on a pyramid made of attractive teenage girls. 

GUTFELD: Did they ever listened to you? 

MACHI: Never. 

GUTFELD: You were just escorted from the field. 

MACHI: We lost a lot of nice people back then.

GUTFELD: It’s true. Cheerleading is very dangerous. 

MACHI: It’s extremely dangerous.

GUTFELD: More dangerous than I would venture playing any sports. And I have no facts to back that up. But I’m not going to let that stop me, that’s why they show a successful Kat. Kat, you have a choice of mandates, or Don Lemon, and don’t use that as a joke.

TIMPF: OK, sure. The Don Lemon thing bothers me because people doing you know everything the right way. Nobody does everything the right way. I mean, I’m vaccinated, but I’ve also been to an emergency room. And I know from going to the emergency room that they’re almost entirely made up of people who are there directly because of a terrible stupid choice. 

GUTFELD: Exactly. 

TIMPF: That’s what we do. That’s what — we don’t have emergency rooms, you know, because we’re responsible as a species. We have emergency rooms, because we’re idiots. That’s what makes us special.

GUTFELD: You know, it is so true. If you ever go to an emergency room in New York City at night, you are and you’re not drunk. You’re the only person not drunk. 

TIMPF: Yes, it is a line of people that, that fell, and I’m including friends of mine. It’s, it’s made up of people who fell wasted. Of course, there are exceptions, there are people that have gotten sick, but almost everybody is incoherent. Something that you’re an expert at, Lisa. 

LISA BOOTHE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Very true. 

GUTFELD: Don Lemon or mandates?

BOOTHE: I’m going to take mandates.

GUTFELD: OK. 

BOOTHE: So, I actually I reject the premise that it’s irresponsible to not get vaccinated. There are groups of people that don’t need to get vaccinated, you have people for health reasons, auto-immune issues, that they can’t get vaccinated people with natural immunity, that’s actually stronger. Studies show that vaccine immunity, also people that are young and healthy, even my age category I have a 99.97 chance of survival if I was to get COVID.

GUTFELD: You’re in your 50s.

BOOTHE: I’m 36. Thank you very much. But the point is, I think it’s insane. 

Like, we’re literally living through a cold, it’s insane to tell everyone they need to get vaccinated should be up to that individual, their doctor, their own personal health assessment, and their personal health risk. And particularly with college students, we’re talking about an age group that literally has almost no risk of COVID. 

And you’re telling them to inject their body in something that’s been rushed to the market, that there are still questions about, that they’re studying currently, heart conditions that they think are actually more prominent in the Moderna vaccine than previously thought. So, we still have a lot of questions. So, I think that’s absolutely insane. 

GUTFELD: I think overtime though, a lot of those questions have been answered to the benefit of the vaccine, though. I mean, these are — these vaccines have over a period of time —

TIMPF: I fought way worse stuff in my body. 

BOOTHE: No, but the point is, if you have someone who statistically has a

99.97 chance of survival, why have to take the risk of getting the vaccine when COVID is not — you’re asking someone to get vaccinated for something that is not a risk to them.

TIMPF: I love partying with old people, though. 

GUTFELD: Yes. 

BOOTHE: No, sorry — I just got to say one more time. Also, we’re living in an age of post-truth, where you’ve got the scientific and medical industry subscribing to group think. If you say anything outside of the bounds, they try to crush you. We’ve seen this with people like Doctor (INAUDIBLE), Sky Atlas, we’re living in a time where the media is uncritical, unquestioning of vaccines. These FTC, CDC have all become political bureaucratic entities. So, I don’t actually think we’re getting the full truth on everything either.

GUTFELD: I don’t know. I think that over time, the truth keeps getting moving towards the direction that these vaccines are doing a pretty bang up job. They’re not like, OK, they’re not as well researched as the smallpox vaccine, but that was different. But what we’re seeing now is we — I mean, it’s just been pretty, it’s been pretty phenomenal. 

BOOTHE: Have you looked at the (INAUDIBLE) data?

GUTFELD: The (INAUDIBLE) data is weird because it’s self-reported and you –

– it’s not actually controlled. I mean, there’s — you can people can write in and say whatever they want. 

BOOTHE: But CDC still uses it as a source of information. And that’s where you flag early warning signs. And yes, you’re right. It’s self-reporting, it’s not 100 percent verifiable, but if you look at for the one year alone since December 2020 until now, you’ve had more deaths than all other vaccines from 1990 to now, and I’m saying — all that information. 

GUTFELD: Wait, there’s no cause — I don’t think there’s any deaths caused by the vaccine. 

BOOTHE: Yes, there has been. 

GUTFELD: Caused by maybe one.

BOOTHE: No, there’s been verifiable reports. 

GUTFELD: I got to look that up. 

BOOTHE: There are two people in Japan recently.

GUTFELD: That’s, I think, out of the millions, it’s probably close to zero.

BOOTHE: But the point is, if someone is not at risk of COVID, why would they have to then go get vaccinated? It should be up to them and their own personal risk assessment.

Some people should get vaccinated —

GUTFELD: That’s a different argument. That’s a different argument. What you’re saying is, I’m not disagreeing with you people and individual choice, I’m not disagreeing with you. What I’m saying is, you can’t say that the vaccine is high risk right now. The data says otherwise. It actually says that it’s probably one of the most low risk things. Anyway, we got to move on. I got to get Todd in here. Last word to you, Todd. Do you agree with me on everything I’ve said? 

TODD PIRO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: My comment is, aren’t these colleges and universities being disingenuous focusing on just this one disease? Have you been to a college? They are petri dishes for every disease known to man, if you know what I mean? 

GUTFELD: I don’t. 

TIMPF: Yes, I don’t get it.

PIRO: You know, Greg. 

GUTFELD: Be specific. Be very specific. Yes, God. Yes. Anyway, you just put me back in —

PIRO: And you enjoy the thought.

GUTFELD: No, I didn’t. It was a terrible, terrible thought. You’re a horrible person. All right. Up next, if vaping helps you quit smoking, why all the rules that have Kat smoking?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: There’s no escaping the benefits of vaping. But sadly, the obsession with keeping e-cigs out of the hands of teens is keeping adults from using them to quit smoking, according to a new article from the Society for Research and Nicotine and Tobacco, by far the most laid back research society. 

And this constant hand wringing actually leads to more death. It’s true, cigarettes kill more than seven million people a year worldwide. So, it stands to reason if you replace smoking with vaping, and eliminate the deadly tar and other toxic ingredients, you could literally save millions of lives. 

But instead, by focusing on vaping impact on kids, we besmirched a life- saving tool while preserving the popularity of cigarettes, which will only kill those kids later when they take up smoking because they weren’t allowed to vape. I think that’s logical. Or it sounds logical to me. But this also got me thinking what other things could vaping stop people from doing? Maybe there’s hidden benefits that haven’t been discovered yet?

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(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

MACHI: Kat, I can’t believe it’s only Wednesday. Do you want to have a booze and smoking party? 

TIMPF: Yes, I love getting drunk and ripping darts at work. 

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Actually, you know what, I think I’d rather be productive.

MACHI: I’ll go try kill me. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, hey, Kat, I got your lunch. 

TIMPF: You forgot my French fries? Pack your stuff and get out of here. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Whoa, what? Really? 

TIMPF: No, you know, actually, this is great. You should get a raise and you know what, I’m going to pay for your wedding.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Wow. Thanks! 

GUTFELD: Yes, it was a large order of ribs, and I said well done. They are still a little pink. And you know, I like mine slightly brown and burned. 

Can you have your guy come back and pick it up? Yes, that would be great.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Nope, we, in no way, endorsed vaping as a method to avoid doing evil things. This was only a skit, a skit brought to you by the National Global Vaping Industry Society of America.

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD: Vaping actually saved my life. And I don’t even vape and I didn’t even know about it. That’s incredible, Kat. See, we just did science. 

TIMPF: Yes, my vaping saved your life. And you are welcome. 

GUTFELD: Yes, but we’ve been saying this a while long time. 

TIMPF: I’ve been saying this forever. Because the science here is very clear that vaping although is probably not the best thing you can do with your lungs, it is a lot better than smoking cigarettes to the point where so many other countries actually have doctors recommended to you as a smoking cessation aid. And I was so pissed when people were talking about this, that if the kids ruin another thing for me, and they did.

GUTFELD: Yes, it’s so absurd because it clung to vaping, I get really, really animated. Because think about how divided we are as a country, right? We probably the Democrats didn’t agree on any of these. Impossible to have any real bipartisan consensus, except for the fact that I should never be allowed to have a mango jewel pod, which was one of the major sources of joy in my life that I will never know again.

GUTFELD: Yes, I mean, by the way, just so you know, there is science that shows that this is happening that that it benefit benefits quitting smoking, and it did for me. I was smoking, Todd, and then I started vaping. 

I quit smoking, and then I just stopped vaping. I mean, it’s, it’s insane how it works. And yet we’re saying like, oh, beware. This, this is, this is killing people, and I blame you, Todd.

PIRO: It usually is my fault. If I’ve learned one thing here at Fox, it’s usually, what a power move by the vaping lobby to come up with this study. 

I’m assuming. Right? I mean, but, but those commercials to your point, like you’ve seen those commercials, like if you vape, you get this metal monster in your lungs.

TIMPF: You may be inhaling toxic metal. 

TODD: They’re very powerful. 

TIMPF: It’s only maybe good enough for me.

PIRO: They’re very powerful, you know, so you can understand how the vaping industry is like, whoa, like these commercials that we sort of agree to maybe we shouldn’t have agreed to them this much. They’re very, very powerful. 

GUTFELD: It’s like, but that’s what now with every drug commercial, I’ve got the side effects and when your site when you’re, when you’re this vulnerable psychologically, Lisa, I think I have everything. Shouldn’t this be up to the individual By the way, I don’t want kids to vape. I don’t want kids to vape. I just don’t like kids.

BOOTHE: But then wouldn’t you want them to be vape? 

GUTFELD: True. My logic falls apart. My logic falls apart. But I don’t want him to vape because then I don’t get the vapes.

BOOTH: I don’t know about kids, but I don’t care if someone want — I don’t even care if someone wants to smoke cigarettes, then go be my guest. And then also, I think a lot of times and someone’s like, Oh, don’t smoke, they’re probably like, you know, knocking back Coca-Cola and like eating 50 cheeseburgers, right? 

So, it’s like, and that’s the whole thing too, with the vaccine stuff that really annoys me. If people like Bill de Blasio, who’s overweight, you know, he’s probably putting himself at bigger risk from that than a healthy person who doesn’t want to get vaccinated. So, if you’re going to go and like point your finger and tell people to live a healthy lifestyle, then maybe don’t knock down all these —

TIMPF: Is he overweight? I’ve never looked at his body. I have no idea what it looks like. 

GUTFELD: I’m just so overwhelmed by my hatred for him. I can’t even see. 

Every time I see De Blasio, I’m so blind with rage, amorphous cloud lumbering around. Joe, what is your, what’s your thought on this?

MACHI: Well, first off, Bill de Blasio and I are in great shape. We look, we look good. But Greg, you seem passionate and your defensive vaping and you are my boss. So, I’m going to side with you on this one. I think what happened here is they put the idea that normalizing vaping is bad ahead of the science, and that often has unintended consequences, just like most things do. 

And I think why it’s kind of related, but a lot of the problems we have with alcohol in this country is that when you make something illicit, you also make it cool.

GUTEFLD: Right.

MACHI: And I mean, young people that are looking for a way to rebel against a world that looks down on people who are in the science fiction and they’re going to find a way to act out.

GUTFELD: Yes, they are. Oh, geez. Up next, they didn’t catch on to a pranksters con.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Who should we thank for this classic prank? Last week, the Henri Co. County Virginia School Board. I know those guys held a meeting where they discussed issues for the coming year. And at the end of the meeting, they opened the floor to public comment. 

Now, citizens are required to sign up in advance in order to address the board in person, but only one woman showed up. So, the rest of those who called to speak were, in fact, we’ll watch this, you’ll figure it out. 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Do not pass this policy in Virginia.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Thank you so much Ms. Thomas, we do appreciate you. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Phil McCracken. Phil McCracken? Soak Soup? (INAUDIBLE). 

Ophelioa McCulk. Ophelia McCulk? Alain Dover. Alain Dover. Don Kiddick. Don Kiddick. Wayne Kerr. 

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD: It’s so dumb and wonderful. If the school board members didn’t realize they were being prank, they’ve obviously never spent any time inside a classroom. I have not witnessed a prank this child is cruel and just plain vulgar since the last time I gave my name to a barista at Starbucks. The weird thing is, I went to high school with a guy named Seymour Butts. He was teased all the time until he finally changed his name to Joe Machi. Joe, that was a great prank. Have you ever pulled that off?

MACHI: Ah, well, first I needed that. This was a rough news, news week. So, that was great to have. I liked that prank. Because it was similar to mine, and that really didn’t have any victims. It was just good, harmless fun. 

My pranks were like putting wet signs on park benches. That didn’t you know, they weren’t just painted. They just — I just put wet paint signs on. And I would go to the park and just it was fun to watch everybody stand. 

GUTFELD: That’s weird to take. 

MACHI: There was no victims. 

GUTFELD: I don’t know if that’s a prank or you have some kind of fetish about standing people. 

MACHI: Let me try this one on you, Greg. I once sock cones in a parking lot just sitting there, so I blocked off a street. And I came back hours later and it was still blocked. No one checked. 

GUTFELD: And some people got couldn’t get to work and they lost their jobs. 

MACHI: I don’t take responsibility for those.

GUTFELD: No, you don’t. Kat, even something so dumb can be so beautiful. Is there a moral to that?

TIMPF: A lot of dumb things are beautiful. 

GUTFELD: Yes. 

TIMPF: Yes, that’s how I went up and a lot of those relationships. I believe this had to be an inside job. 

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: This guy knew. You know, he was bored. He was like, I’m going to see how many times I can say naughty stuff without people noticing and no one did. They’ll blame it on the kids.

GUTFELD: Wow! You’re like a, you’re like a conspiracy freak. You’re like the Alex Jones of pranks. It’s an inside job. Is it George Bush’s fault? 

TIMPF: Yes. 

GUTFELD: OK, that’s all I needed to know. 

TIMPF: Yes, yes, Bush did this. 

GUTFELD: Bush did this. Todd, I love the fact that he said the name twice each time, never caught on. 

PIRO: Especially on Phil McCracken, he did the inflation. Phil McCracken? 

Which leads to believe this could be an inside job or this guy’s amazing, we got to get him on the show. 

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. What do you think? Inside job or non-inside job or outside job?

BOOTHE: This reminds me of a time when I was working at the NRCC and we sent out a mail merge and the congressman’s last name was Dicks, it was Norman Dicks. So, the mail merge said, new polls, polls trouble for Dicks, and we got a lot of trouble. 

And then think of all the different headlines you can do with that. 

GUTFELD: I am. It’s racing through my brain. 

BOOTHE: I don’t know how much we can go on with them.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. I’m not much for pranks, but I have to. Yes, you’re right. It was a nice little story for this week, Joe. 

All right. Don’t go away. We’ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thank you, Todd Piro, Lisa Boothe, Joe Machi, Timpf, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next and she’s on our show tomorrow. I’m Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America. 

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