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This is a rush transcript of “Gutfeld!” on August 13, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: They are awesome. Welcome back everyone. It’s time for —
ANNOUNCER: “WHO WANTS TO BE A MURDERER?”
GUTFELD: That’s right. If you’re watching this show, chances are you either have blood on your hands, have recently murdered someone, or both. Let’s go live to the media witch trials.
Hey, I wonder who learned a new word?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MIKA BRZEZINSKI, CO-HOST, MORNING JOE, MSNBC: These same ghoulish death cult figures falling into a death cult. That’s death cult material. You’re part of this death cult. Death cults. Death cult. This death cult crazed teachings of a growing death cult.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I guess when you got the I.Q. of a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. Or in her case, of thumb.
Joe, I wonder if we should start renaming diseases after people.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JIM ACOSTA, ANCHOR, CNN: Instead of the Delta variant, why not call it the DeSantis variant?
BRZEZINSKI: And in Florida, we have a governor more interested in playing politics than saving lives, the DeSantis variant.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Clever. Great minds think alike. Hey, I got one. How about the Mika virus? Thanks to the wonders of modern technology. It’s actually more transmissible than COVID, traveling through T.V. airwaves and infects your brain with really stupid thoughts. Similar to Zika, and just as deadly if you ingest enough of it.
It’s a trend today you can actually call someone a mass murderer for not agreeing with you, and no one bats an eye. But use the wrong pronoun, and they will lose what’s left of their P.C. saturated brain. Why not?
Especially if you delight in killing children.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
EUGENE ROBINSON, CHIEF POLITICAL ANALYST, MSNBC: Sickening and killing your political supporters seems to me that the stupidest and most absurd sided political strategy I’ve ever heard of, yet, that’s what DeSantis is doing.
ROBINSON: That pediatric wards filled with COVID patients. It is — it is outrageous to say the least, and frankly, it’s criminal.
JOY REID, NATIONAL CORRESPONDENT, MSNBC: What is the strategy behind killing children in your own state and letting that — letting children die of COVID?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Great question. What is the strategy of killing children? Maybe you should ask Planned Parenthood, lady.
So, who is killing children? Who’s letting children die? Wouldn’t it be great if we actually demanded proof from these idiots? What we’re seeing now among the weakest minds is an adolescent delight in demonization. It feels good to call someone a murderer. That’s why I keep trying to get Andrew Cuomo on the show.
It elevates you as judge and jury to get lots of attention as well. You don’t even need to bother with fake statistics, like the ones they used about Texas and Florida.
But if they truly wanted to persuade people to their point of view, why would they constantly berate and mock and censor them? Because name-calling is way easier than making a sound argument based on fact and truths? And a sound argument would take all the fun out of being on T.V., which tells you the essential truth. They don’t want to persuade you. They don’t care who gets the backs. It’s all about that surge of dopamine — emphasis on dope.
Now, you were to return the favor or call them stupid. Watch out. I actually did this as an experiment, no joke. After Mika Brzezinski, blood- libeled Governor DeSantis, on “THE FIVE”, I called her a dumb broad.
Why would I do that? It seems — it seems curse even for me. But I did it to reveal how the media would respond to it. As Gomer Pyle used to say, surprise, surprise, surprise. Calling her a dumb broad is worse than her calling people mass murderers. And it’s because the media much like Van Gogh can only hear one side of things. Too soon?
They are never offended by the truly offensive if it said against someone they disagree with. They can call you a murderer but don’t you call them stupid. Well, whatever you say, stupid.
So, who really cares about vaccination rates? It turns out that we do.
Unlike the jerks that those other networks, we’ve debated how to persuade the hesitant if it’s possible, without accusing them of being Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, nor Andrew Cuomo.
Of course, there are white folks hesitant about the vaccine. But Mika, Joe, and Acosta want you to think that these groups are just like the neighborhoods they live in all white, preferably in red hats, but they can’t do the same to others outside that stereotype.
New York City data shows that only 28 percent of black New Yorkers ages 18 to 44 are fully vax. That’s compared to 48 percent of Latino residents and
52 percent of whites in the same age group. That’s a hell of a disparity.
And you don’t hear that on those other shows.
Fact is every individual has reasons for their reluctance. Some of it is misguided fear, others are based in legit skepticism based on previous lies by so-called medical experts. You know, like, this virus didn’t leak from a lab. Yes, paging Dr. Fauci.
It’s normal and healthy not to trust the government. God knows they’ve given us plenty of reason to. Just as it is normal and healthy, to acknowledge and admire the astonishing progress we’ve made in fighting disease with vaccines. It’s changed the world. Paging Dr. Salk.
I am pro vaccine, but I’m also pro-skepticism. How can that be? That’s too nuanced, and you can’t get in trouble if we’re just trashing whitey. It’s the soft bigotry of low expectations. Once again, those babbling clowns on other networks don’t believe minorities can handle criticism or math or getting an I.D.
So, they focus their bio on some amorphous white mass of unvaxxed rednecks.
I’m suddenly craving Cracker Barrel. Meanwhile, it’s expected another wave of COVID will hit black New Yorkers pretty hard, which is the perfect setup for the more evidence this country is racist segments on cable news.
I’d say Mika and her death cult have blood on her hands, but then she might sue me for plagiarism. Only Joe Biden get away with that.
GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guest. His nickname is hot bod because he always incinerates his victims. Host of the quiz show in Fox Nation Tom Shillue.
He’s gotten that flavor and there’s no one braver, retired U.S. Marine Corps bomb technician and Fox News contributor Johnny Joey Jones.
Even her hair is parted to the right, Fox Business Network anchor Dagen McDowell.
Finally, her opinions are like Bengay, topical, stinging, and not to be taken internally. Fox News contributor Kat Timpf.
So, Tom, love the ascots.
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Oh, yes, thank you. I call it a cravat.
KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: That’s that is?
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s what is. You know, it’s covering a hickey. A little pervert. Look, Tom, so, you have the media constantly calling people murderers. In your case, you are a murderer. You find it offensive. That they’re kind of like sapping the meaning of the word, murder from heinous mass murderers like you who deserve it.
SHILLUE: Well, look, first of all, I don’t think there should be any consequences. People should be able to say whatever they want. I’m tired of people getting in trouble for what they say.
So, I’m going to say they’re saying stupid things, but they should be allowed to. But people like Joe and Mika, it reminds me of Al Pacino. One time I saw him giving us an interview, and he said the reason it’s hard to be a celebrity is that you don’t know when you’re spouting B.S. Because no one around you will tell you that you’re talking like an idiot.
SHILLUE: Because you — they are just yes-men. I get the sense that people like Joe and Mika and Joy don’t have someone in their life.
I mean, Greg, you have a very successful cable show, your audience loves you.
GUTFELD: Two. Tom, I have two.
SHILLUE: Yes, you have two.
SHILLUE: But, I get the sense that when you go home, your wife tells you that you’re full of it. And you know, she keeps you in check.
GUTFELD: Way to remind me about tonight.
SHILLUE: We all have that. I think that’s what they need.
GUTFELD: Seriously, you know what? She just care about the ratings.
SHILLUE: That’s right.
GUTFELD: When I tell her the ratings she doesn’t care.
SHILLUE: No. And nor should she, because at any given time, Greg, even though your ratings are great, most of the country, you know, they don’t hold you in high regard. So, we always just keep yourself humble is what I’m saying.
GUTFELD: Is that game show you host still on? I was curious because I, honestly have not heard a peep about that game show.
GUTFELD: So, Dagen —
DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK ANCHOR: Yes, sir.
GUTFELD: According to my research, you can compare people to Hitler all the time. But if I say somebody is a dumb broad, that’s like heinous —
MCDOWELL: Oh, yes.
MCDOWELL: No, that’s mild.
MCDOWELL: I’ve got like a — before I brush my teeth in the morning.
GUTFELD: Yes. You left a trail?
MCDOWELL: Yes. I —
GUTFELD: Sorry, producers.
MCDOWELL: It’s OK to be wrong if you’re on the right side.
MCDOWELL: Or, I mean, the left side, or the lunatic side.
MCDOWELL: Like, just in the last week, so, the CDC had to correct these inflated numbers down in Florida. And then, The Texas Tribune, you saw this correction that (INAUDIBLE)
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.
MCDOWELL: The — where — the headline was children under siege. And they reported that 5,800 children had been hospitalized in a seven-day period in August. No, not seven days, since the start of the pandemic. So, it was OK.
They got away with that.
MCDOWELL: But Joe —
GUTFELD: No, where was PolitiFact?
MCDOWELL: Right, exactly. But they have to print — they had to print this.
TIMPF: The fact check is on the videos.
MCDOWELL: So, but generally, I appreciate seeing people on T.V. who are completely unhinged.
SSGT. JOHNNY JOEY JONES (RET), MARINE, FORMER BOMB TECHNICIAN (voice-over):
MCDOWELL: And mentally unstable because it makes me feel better about myself.
MCDOWELL: But I feel OK. OK, I am not so bizarre.
GUTFELD: Yes, you’re bizarre.
MCDOWELL: But I’m a — but I’m a connoisseur because the cat of serial killers like Aileen Wuornos, Bundy —
GUTFELD: All right.
MCDOWELL: Yes, Ramirez and I’m worry about these women.
JONES: I did too.
MCDOWELL: I worry about.
TIMPF: I was going to say, I have something unhinge to say.
TIMPF: Well, maybe. Because speaking of serial killers, how do you think they feel?
TIMPF: Ever everybody getting called murderers so easily. Like BTK got caught because he kept sending clues to the cops because no one was talking about him anymore.
GUTFELD: Right. Oh, so —
TIMPF: Now, everyone’s a murderer.
GUTFELD: Yes, that is so true. Not just like a game show.
Joey, Joey, Joey, you’re kind of a historian, I believe right?
GUTFELD: OK. Is this how wars start? People start calling you murderers, then they want to jail you, and then it becomes some kind of civil war?
JONES: I think we’re start when someone confuses your handkerchief because you rode a horse to work as an ascot.
JONES: What that was all about?
JONES: Listen, you know, I don’t know what question you asked. It doesn’t matter right now, because I have something I want to say.
JONES: Take this vaccine. All right. And this virus is Texas and Florida’s fault. Brought to you by the people who said Brexit wouldn’t happen. Trump wouldn’t be president, Trump became president because of — because of Russia, was it?
JONES: Yes, Trump became president because of Russia. The people that told you that it’s OK, we’ll pull out of Afghanistan, nothing — no big deal.
Nothing is going to happen.
There is a trend here.
JONES: There is a pandemic in this country. It’s a pandemic of public trust. And if — and if you just want to demonize the people that don’t want to listen to what you have to say, they’re just going to listen less.
I forgot the study. But like 30 percent of the people who haven’t taken the vaccine, said that the FDA approving the vaccine might change their mind.
That’s 30 percent of people. That’s more than every stupid celebrity commercial you ever put out there could possibly sway. But the FDA is not getting on the ball.
GUTFELD: That’s it. But isn’t that a procedural thing? It’s like they just have to wait for the legal stuff. And that vaccine’s fine.
TIMPF: Yes, who cares about the FDA?
GUTFELD: Yes. You know, what?
TIMPF: You don’t want me to party?
JONRS: 30 percent of the people who haven’t been vaccinated apparently say
TIMPF: I guess.
GUTFELD: I put things in my body that aren’t FDA approved.
JONES: I was a United States Marine, I’ve gotten every vaccine you’ve heard of and half the ones you don’t. I may not even be a good source of information on things like this.
JONES: It may make your legs fall off. I don’t know. I’ve gotten all —
SHILLUE: No way.
TIMPF: Imagine if you live your life by FDA approval, we just sit there?
GUTFELD: I’m always trying to seek FDA approval.
SHILLUE: And you made a great — there was a great point buried in your monologue there about (INAUDIBLE).
SHILLUE: Well —
GUTFELD: Go ahead.
SHILLUE: Black Americans —
JONES: The ones —
SHILLUE: Are a group that was — does not have a high rate of vaccination.
SHILLUE: And yet, they keep coming after people as if it’s some kind of white conspiracy —
SHILLUE: 36 percent of black Americans trust the police. That’s a low number, but it’s higher than the number who have gotten vaccinated. So, I tell you, well, how can after all of the religious propaganda from BLM and you know of critical race theory, that the black community still trust the medical establishment less than the police?
GUTFELD: Yes. Insane point from Mr. Ascot.
All right. Up next, they say the V.P. is the bee’s knees, but ask them why, and they freeze.
GUTFELD: College kids love Kamala, but don’t know why Allah.
Yes. I don’t even know where to go after this.
Yes, they give Kamala a five-star review, for what? They haven’t a clue.
Despite a recent survey saying nearly half of Americans disapprove of the V.P.s performance, young people applaud her when asked by conservative news site, Campus Reform. Check it out.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I really like her. I think it’s very inspiring to see our first, you know, woman vice president.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I do love having a woman person of color Democratic leader in that position. And I think she’s a great representation.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I feel like definitely it’s amazing to have a woman vice president, and we’re making great headway with that. And she’s up to definite girl boss.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: It’s person boss. Anyway. Anyway, when asked why they love her, much like Alicia Silverstone in the 90s, they were clueless.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Can you name any specific accomplishments that you’re super proud of?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Besides her being the first on so many different forums, that would be my first thing.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Off the top of my head, I can’t think of many of them.
No, honestly, I don’t really keep up with politics. On social media, I see that she does great posts. So, yes.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Can you name any specific accomplishments that she’s had since she’s taken office?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, not any specific ones. Particularly, no.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What policies specifically do you agree with?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I don’t really know.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Can you tell me some?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Maybe I don’t — maybe I don’t know what her policies are.
Maybe you can just cut that part.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: She’s destined for T.V.
I have to admit, that’s pretty funny. How funny? Let’s ask the expert.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
KAMALA HARRIS, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: What do you want to know?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I want to give you — I want to give you the opportunity.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Oh, She is adorable.
Kat, is it fair to ask college kids anything about the world at all? It’s like trying to get doughnuts from a bathtub.
TIMPF: I can’t be a hypocrite. In 2013, I worked for Campus Reform. And at USC, I made a video where I walked around asking people if they thought Obama deserved his Nobel Peace Prize and why? And I think we have that.
TIMPF: We might.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I just be like, in general, being a good guy. It just is creating a lot more peace. And like, mellow and not as much anxiety among people. I love Obama. And I think that everything is doing everyone’s just so hard on him. But I mean, second year.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
TIMPF: So —
GUTFELD: Just a second. I thought you were in the video.
TIMPF: Yes. I was going to say —
GUTFELD: I thought (INAUDIBLE) from (INAUDIBLE)
TIMPF: That other than the fact that I am — it is true. I am now far more attractive than I was in 2013, which is good. I can’t wait to see me when I’m 86 years old. I’m just going to be so hot. No one will even be able to look at me.
But other than my very much more attractiveness, so hot now, not much has changed.
TIMPF: I asked them all. Do you think they were like, yes, and why? I don’t know, like, he’s a good dude.
And it’s like, it’s not getting better. And it’s sad, because these are the same people who will tell you that if you disagree, you are a horrible person, sexist, racist, bigoted, idiot.
TIMPF: If you don’t think that, these people are so great and so wonderful.
But they don’t even know why other than they saw a meme.
GUTFELD: Yes, you know what? Joey, the hilarious thing about this is their grasp of the world is inversely proportional to their arrogance about the world.
GUTFELD: Saying, I consolidated what you said into something that made sense.
TIMPF: Well, I had to fit in the part about how good-looking I am.
GUTFELD: Yes, someone had to.
JONES: Here is, here is the problem. Number one, out of the mouths of babes, right? Like, she’s like —
GUTFELD: They were cute, weren’t they?
JONES: Maybe there — maybe there isn’t any accomplishments. You’re challenging my entire existence right now. Can we just go into the shop?
I’m almost positive that was in Georgetown.
JONES: Was I find hilarious? Because all the videos now are from Georgetown. They’re all stupid. And I went to that school. So, I hit that’s true.
But here is the problem with this, those people are 18. They also exist at 28, and 38, and 48, and 58. Those aren’t the people electing our presidents every four years. Their parents are, their older siblings are, there — and people are just as disconnected, and just as tuned out, because, in this country, poverty comes with a cell phone. We are in an amazing place —
JONES: We have — we have prosperity on our down years. We’re mad because we’re buying a 3,000 square foot house instead of a 4,000 square foot house. This is an amazing place to grow up and live. You can be stupid, and in college, and we all need to care more. We all just need to tune in more and hold people accountable.
You know, 20 years in war. I’m not going to give that one up anytime soon.
I apologize. Yes, a little bit of a personal rub. Oh, I’ll explain later.
GUTFELD: OK. Dagen?
MCDOWELL: Yes, sir?
GUTFELD: Dagen, Dagen, Dagen, Dagen, Dagen. I think people like young people, they like — they claim that they like to stand out in simple way.
Like, I’m going to dye my hair blue, or I’m going to get a nose ring. Like though that’s like a really brave choice.
GUTFELD: But when you see these things, it’s actually they just want to blend when it comes to ideas they don’t want to stand out at all. It’s a very interesting contrast. Right? They — you can tell. They just want to say the right thing.
MCDOWELL: Right. Because let’s take it from me if you try to stand out like my entire 20s, I had a haircut like Joey’s. And that you can’t catch a dude if you stand out.
MCDOWELL: Like that. But I have something to say for these girls.
MCDOWELL: Or the college students. They’re super smart. If somebody comes up to you with a camera and a microphone.
MCDOWELL: In college, and says, what do you think about the first black female vice president in history?
GUTFELD: You’re right. You’re right.
MCDOWELL: And they stick the microphone in your face.
GUTFELD: What are you going to say?
MCDOWELL: You — what — you go —
JONES: You better be (INAUDIBLE)
MCDOWELL: She is wonder — she is wonderful.
MCDOWELL: Because you’re — they are sitting there thinking, she’s amazing, because if I say anything negative, I will never get a job, and I’ll be labeled a racist bigot for the rest of my adult life.
And then when they asked the kid — the women and the boys, they asked of what is her accomplishment? Of course, they can’t say anything because she hadn’t done anything.
MCDOWELL: They are right on both counts.
GUTFELD: You know what? The lady over there, Tom, I can’t remember her name. But I — she made a great point. It’s like I’m making fun of these people. All they were doing was self-preservation.
SHILLUE: That’s right. They knew they were on camera. Can I say the campus has been reformed, Greg?
I mean, when I was in college, girls did not wear summer dresses. They didn’t wear these little — how about that little terry cloth number with the — you know —
GUTFELD: Well, maybe they’re not in school right now.
SHILLUE: They’re on campus. Greg. OK
GUTFELD: What — that — you are really an old fashioned person. Should they be wearing like a — like a — something out of a burlap bag?
TIMPF: A petticoat?
SHILLUE: I’m saying on my campus, that’s the way they look. They dress to town, I love the look. I think, and you know, pairing the terry cloth onesie with a pair of roller skates, I think it’s a great look.
GUTFELD: All right — all right — all right.
TIMPF: Are you sweating?
GUTFELD: Hey, if you kill that many people, you’d be sweating too.
Up next, can we identify pregnant people by sex? The CDC says it’s too complex.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: They want to include pregnant males, and their tweet is a great big fail. On Thursday day of the week, Tom, CDC, Director Rochelle Walensky tweeted this nonsense, “The rise in cases, vaccine hesitancy and the increased risk of severe illness for pregnant people make vaccination against COVID-19 more urgent than ever. Read why blah, blah, blah, that pregnant people should be vaccinated against COVID-19.”
Yes, from now on, we’re using the term pregnant people to recommend women get the vaccine. Take that feminists. Even people, even people who think the earth is flat or saying that’s a bad idea. Personally, but personally, I love that tweet. I might frame it and put it above my bed next to the ceiling mirror. I tell people is from a previous owner. But some people push back like Illinois Congresswoman Mary Miller sorry, Congress-human.
She tweeted, “When the CDC uses left wing activist language like pregnant people in official guidance, the public loses faith and trust in their objectivity.” Is it the CDC’s official position that men can get pregnant?
How can we trust the science if you can’t use words like mother and women because of left wing politics well said but I wonder what the angry white mostly non-pregnant male thinks of all this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TOM SHILLUE, COMEDIAN: Don’t be small minded. Pregnant can mean many things. You could have a woman who is pregnant with child but for instance, I make frequent use of the pregnant pause in my speech. I find people will wait as long as I like if I simply employ a bit of pregnant pause.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: You know, Dagon, if you cover this story, then the media will say look at the right wingers pounce on birth people when that it’s the left pouncing on words like mom.
DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK HOST: Right?
GUTFELD: It’s at — this this stuff is actually an attack on women, which is why, it’s, it’s an attack on women to appeal or appease a tiny group of really angry activists.
MCDOWELL: And it chaps my ass.
MCDOWELL: I am. You know, I have a lotion for that. I know I borrowed it.
I’m sorry. I am XX baby all the way, and that’s not like some white supremacy symbol. I’ve never given birth to a child but I have carted around my entire life. These reproductive organs and they’re painful and messy. And if they come with a lot of pain, so I would wear them on the outside if I could like on holsters so people would know my sex and know my capability that I can cook a baby if I feel like it.
GUTFELD: I’m not sure cook is the best verb. Oh, but you know what, to each his own. You know, maybe it’s cozy.
MCDOWELL: A bun in the oven. It’s a bun in the oven. I’m cooking a baby.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, I’ve heard it.
GUTFELD: Wait, because the baby is in the stomach? I was told like at fifth grade that wasn’t true.
TIMPF: It’s — there’s this thing called a uterus, Greg.
GUTFELD: Wait until we have uterus transplants, Kat. Then, the men can be truly pregnant. I’m waiting for that day. I think the irony here, Kat, is that you can mock or blood libel someone unsure of the science behind the vaccine. But you better not mock the science behind the pregnant man.
TIMPF: The first thing I thought when I saw this was I always say call you whatever you want. That’s whatever. That’s cool. When it comes to the CDC.
TIMPF: Like after everything they’ve said and done over the past, I don’t know year and a half. Like this isn’t even in the top 20 for things that chat my ass as you put it. Like if I’m ever pregnant, if Rochelle Walensky wants to, you know, follow me around with a bullhorn horn call me a big fat whale, that would still bother me less than what the CDC has done in the past year and a half in terms of like destroying the country.
SHILLUE: Can’t top that. Can’t top that, Greg.
GUTFELD: Yes, but do you want even not bother topping it?
SHILLUE: No, I think I’ll try.
GUTFELD: You top a lot of that. You know, who would have thought that using the word mother is offensive?
GUTFELD: I mean we’re not even using the second part.
SHILLUE: And people who shouldn’t trust the — I’m doing the medical establishment. When they invented the pharmaceutical companies, invented formula. They told women, oh, this is better than your natural breast milk.
And they told them that for years, it wasn’t true.
Now that women know they’re wiser, they know that their natural breast milk is so maybe this group of women, pregnant women, has reason to be skeptical of the medical establishment. Rochelle Walensky included, she’s got the crazy eyes like AOC. They have that stare, Greg.
GUTFELD: So do you.
TIMPF: You absolutely do.
GUTFELD: Tom, you have a — you should have seen your eyes light up when you’re talking about breast milk. I mean, my God.
SHILLUE: It’s healthier, Greg.
GUTFELD: It’s healthier, yes.
TIMPF: And you made me say that murderer thing in the A-block, I don’t know why.
GUTFELD: Joey, you have children?
JOHNNY JOEY JONES, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I do. I’ve never, I’ve never burned the baby. But I’ve played an intimate role into.
JONES: You know what really chaps my ass, the top part of my leg, right?
We’ll talk about that. That’s in the next block. I thought y’all were saying assless chaps because Tom rode his horse to work today. Listen, if you want to get rid of mother and women, that’s OK. I’ve got other words there Sal, Heifer, Hen, there’s dough, there’s all kinds of words of animals that create babies, and I use them all the time because I kill them for sport.
TIMPF: That was a roller coaster in the hall way.
JONES: pregnant people brought to you by the CDC, you said master good, or maybe they’re not really in sometimes they are and for kids under 12 and over 13. And we don’t know what we’re doing, like this is the CDC, like nobody’s listening to them right now.
GUTFELD: Yes. And I got to go back to they are cow towering to a tiny segment of activists on Twitter while they pass judgment on people just trying to get, get by with their kids and put them you know, figure out what’s best in their lives. That’s what drives me a little bit batty. We got to move on. Up next, potential girlfriends shy away if you hang with women every day.
GUTFELD: Are guys less, less attractive to gals if they have too many female pals? A new study of out of Australia, the recent home of running water found, found that men who have a lot of female friends are less attractive to women, because they’re seen as having too many options, and therefore too hard to tie down.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TIMPF: Hard to tie down? You can learn some very secure knots on YouTube.
As long as you can get at least one done before he wakes up, you’re golden.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Why can I hear Kat’s thoughts?
GUTFELD: Women were forced to look at pictures of dudes. And when they found out some of the guys had lots of friends who were girls, they ranked those players 40 percent less attractive. Although when asked how they felt about this, they just folded their arms and said fine. Sitting around judging photos of man, I got to sign up to participate in more studies. You know, this is such a — this, there’s Joey there’s a bit of hypocrisy going on here among women. The same women who say I love having guy friends will freak out when her boyfriend is out with the girls from work, am I right?
JONES: You’re probably.
GUTFELD: Thank you.
JONES: Listen, I’m all about hypocrisy because hypocrisy means there’s a difference between men and women and we’re fighting the good fight already here.
JONES: You know what I mean, but listen, it I guess I’ll look at it this way. My thought is in this I got a dude’s perspective. If I got a buddy who’s got more girlfriends than guy friends. I just assume he’s not looking for a woman, you know, like it’s just going to look he’s, he’s over there doing this thing. And I’ve got a lot of friends that have girlfriends. I don’t have a lot of friends that have a lot of girlfriends.
GUTFELD: You are drowning right now.
JONES: I’m tiptoeing with these fake feet everywhere.
GUTFELD: That’s just amazing. Did you know, could you feel that? You could feel him sinking —
JONES: But you hear what I’m saying, like none of the guys I hang out with want to be around a woman all the time or a group of them, unless like they’re dating one of them and there’s something in it for him. Because that’s a lot of work. That’s a lot of work.
GUTFELD: Save him, Kat.
TIMPF: And you know what else is a lot of work, would be cheating if you do it with one of your female friends, which is why ladies you have it all wrong. OK, if the guy he’s not going to cheat on you with one of his girlfriends. Don’t be weary of that. Be wary of a guy with all the guy friends who says sorry, babe, Saturdays are for the boys. Goes to club with only the boys. So, then you can go bang some girl he meets at the club, and neither of you will ever know the other one exists. The other way it’s too messy. That’s the way he’s going to cheat on you.
JONES: We just shouldn’t have friends.
TIMPF: I’m just saying. If he’s going to club with the boys, that’s when he’s going to bang other girls. You’ll never know and neither will she.
GUTFELD: Tom, my guess. My guess, Tom, is you have no female friends because you have no friends. So, there’s no way there. You have your wife must be thrilled that you’re kind of an isolated little freak.
SHILLUE: I have many female friends. All my old girlfriends are friends of mine. I think that’s a good judge of character.
GUTFELD: That’s a country song.
SHILLUE: Well, I mean, if you remain friends with your girlfriend, it probably means you’re doing something right, I think, I don’t know, that’s my own theory. But the, I think women are a little confused on this. And if, if people were more old-fashioned, if women would deprive men of the, the satisfaction that they give them.
GUTFELD: Yes, the, the, the, what do you call it? The copulated. The copulative practices.
SHILLUE: Then men would, they would have to focus on one woman at a time winning her over for life, you know.
TIMPF: Yes, if you’re not a virgin, you’ll never find a husband.
GUTFELD: Yes, it’s true. That’s in my new book. Dagen, Mike Pence. He was right from the start. The Pence rule is don’t be around women that isn’t your wife, right?
MCDOWELL: No, he’s — no, he’s wrong.
GUTFELD: Was that?
MCDOWELL: You want to date. I’m in this with, Kat, and you also want to date or be with a guy who hangs out with a lot of women, because you will get better gifts. If you date a guy who’s hanging around a bunch of dudes, you’re going to get a foamy, flammable like bathrobe.
MCDOWELL: That he bought, that he bought off a folding table from some dude outside of bonanza. They don’t have time to go to the store. They got to go from the bonanza to the club.
TIMPF: Yes, you’re going to get some nylon backpack. And by the way, when dudes hang out with other dudes, their friends will encourage you to get fat and like that visceral fat hard gut, because they want you, the dude, to look like them. If you hang out with women, they won’t be the first to tell you. You got to do some sit ups and stop eating all those donuts because nobody’s going to want to hit you.
GUTFELD: I think I learned almost nothing. But no, that’s true. No, that was very interesting. A very interesting. I can’t wait for this next set, this next segment. You are — it is brand new. Coming up, jokes that were overlooked, but never undercooked.
GUTFELD: So, we do a lot of stories over the course of the week. And there’s tons that we consider but don’t ever make the show and the stories that do. We come up with a bunch of jokes for it, but we don’t use all of them either. So, that means it’s time for a new segment that I’m calling.
ANNOUNCER: “GREG’S LEFTOVERS.”
GUTFELD: Clever. The thing about leftovers, sometimes they’re good sometimes not so much, but you never know until you dig in and they get food poisoning and die. So, let’s sample him. Sample them all. And when we’re done, the panel can tell me if there are any winners or whatever. So, here we go. Andrew Cuomo has gone into hiding, which is the perfect place to be to be ambushed interviewed by Matt Lauer.
First, Avenatti, and now Cuomo. The Democrats are losing presidential candidates like Hunter Biden loses teeth. Avenatti’s in jail and Cuomo may be next. It’s got republicans hoping Hillary throws her hat in the ring.
Lock her up, they say. Courtesy laugh from Kat.
TIMPF: No, I like that.
GUTFELD: Oh, shut up. Andrew Cuomo’s resigned but doesn’t leave office for another two weeks. He doesn’t want to miss bring your daughter to work day.
That’s a strong one, Tom.
SHILLUE: Very strong.
GUTFELD: Very strong. I would have put that in the show if they had actually used, give it and send it to me, you jerks. Bad news, this scandal means Andrew Cuomo is not selling many copies of his book. The good news is they’re making it into a movie produced by Harvey Weinstein. Probably could have read that better.
CNN’s not sure if they should penalize Chris Cuomo for his on air antics.
For now, they’re just relieved nobody saw it.
JONES: That is a good one.
GUTFELD: Chris Cuomo says he gave his brother some tips for keeping a low profile. Step one, make sure no one watches your show.
People wonder why Brian Stelter let himself get grilled by Stephen Colbert.
Honest mistake, he heard grill and thought there was a party.
Brian Stelter defended Chris Cuomo’s ethics on Colbert. I didn’t know that show was supposed to be funny.
This is better than my monologues.
Time’s up president, Tina Chen, I don’t know, will resign after backing Cuomo. In defense, in her defense, the job markets tougher hypocrites, unless John Kerry steps down as climate czar.
Multimillionaire Director Quentin Tarantino refuses to give any money to his mother for discouraging his film career, although he’s open to giving her 50 percent off lobby popcorn in Junior Mints. That’s so Tonight’s Show 1997.
American Airlines is mandating employees get the COVID vaccine by October 25th or risk getting fired. Meanwhile, Spirit Air has decided to focus on hepatitis.
Airlines are bringing back COVID restrictions due to the Delta variant. I thought that’s what they called it when you had to change plans at Newark.
That’s only an East Coast joke.
Did you see this? A Frontier Airlines Flight Crew duct taped a rowdy passenger to his chair, but for an extra $10.00 they’ll give him half a can of soda.
That’s the second time and unruly passenger has been duct taped to a plane.
It must have Greyhound thinking, hey, maybe we should open up an airline.
People are dying here, huh?
Right to your airlines duct tape, a rowdy passenger to his chair, which on frontier is called an upgrade.
Frontier is the airline for people who consider eating in their car dining out. I like that one.
A spokesperson for the airline said they’re punishing the unruly flyer with tickets for another flight on frontier.
A school board member in Oklahoma called students who come to school unmask potential murderers. Students quickly replied, where do you think we are, Chicago?
The governor of Oregon has dropped the reading, writing and math proficiency requirements for high school graduates. And due to budget cuts, students will only learn about 15 of the 22 genders.
The governor of Oregon has dropped the reading and writing requirements for high school graduates. Outraged students want to sign a petition, but they don’t know how.
And finally, teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg warns of a new crisis:
in two years Earth may run out of caring who she is.
GUTFELD: That’s a good segment. I’m out of breath. Don’t go anywhere. We’ll be right back.
GUTFELD: We are out of time. Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an awesome episode. Thanks to Tom Shillue, Joey Jones, Dagen McDowell, Kat Timpf, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld. I love you America.
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