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This is a rush transcript from “The Greg Gutfeld Show,” March 6, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
REP. NANCY PELOSI (D-CA): In order to open these doors, we do not say Open Sesame, we say Open Biden and that’s our magic word. Open Biden. I love it.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Here’s some other magic words, seek help.
It was vamoose for Dr. Seuss. Yes, Tuesday was his birthday, which coincided with National Read across America Day, but the doc was nowhere to be found. Yes, just a few years after our first black President read Dr. Seuss to kids on this very day, the new old white guy completely strikes the author from the event — cancelled — because some of his books contain racist imagery.
Fair enough. But you just canceled the whole guy because of that? The dude sold 600 million books.
True, he is not a real doctor, but who is?
But he wrote “Cat in the Hat.” True. It’s the only one of his books that I read, so I decided to do some investigating. I mean, just how bad could these books be?
Well, it turns out pretty bad.
First, “Horton Hears a Great Lecture on White Supremacy.” I had no idea. I had no idea. What about any others? “Green Eggs and Hitler.” How did this get published? One more please. “If I Ran the Zoo, we’d only have Polar Bears because they’re White.” Well, that is offensive to everyone.
OK, I kid. To any CNN media reporters who are watching this, much like your stories, those weren’t real.
But times are bad. We’re turning into a police state. We’re now the police. It’s not the government banning books, removing movies from streaming services or getting people fired for old tweets. It’s us, private citizens feeling the euphoric power of punishing the past.
Big Brother isn’t a bureaucrat, but some dip [bleep] at “The Washington Post.” So Seuss is gone, and others will surely follow.
But at least last week, Godzilla returned. I wonder, what does he want you to know?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DONALD TRUMP, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: And I want you to know that I’m going to continue to fight right by your side.
The only division is between a handful of Washington, D.C. establishment political hacks and everybody else all over the country.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Now that’s clarity. What’s the opposite of that?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN (D), PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And I’d be happy to take questions if that’s what I’m supposed to do, Nance, whatever you want me to do.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: “Thank you for joining.” Yes, Joe sure was happy to take questions and I’m happy to go hot tubbing with Michael Moore.
So what the hell just happened? Did a black hole swallow Joe up? Has anyone seen him since?
If a confused looking elderly man tries to smell your hair, please contact the police immediately.
But what a contrast, one guy would stand before you and tell you what’s what, like it or not, and the other would mumble then disappear into a parallel universe where the early bird special is 24/7 and naps are required by law.
Joe is canceling himself, if that’s possible.
Seriously, if you know where Joe Biden is, please tell him, he is yet to do a press conference.
Did he give those up for Lent? What’s the deal, Jen?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
QUESTION: Any update on his first press conference?
JEN PSAKI, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: Not yet, but we will definitely have one. We will schedule it and you will be the first to know because you’re pivotal participants in that.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Ah, pivotal. That’s quite an answer. But I wonder how — does that work in real life?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, hey, Jen. I got you an extra hotdog.
KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR, IMPERSONATING JEN PSAKI: Oh, hotdogs. Yes. I know. President Biden takes hotdogs very seriously.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: No, it is just food. You eat it.
TIMPF: Okay. See, eat it. You know what? I have to circle back with you on this one at a more pivotal time, like maybe dinner.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, Jen, putting in an office supplies order? Are there any binders?
TIMPF: Yes. It’s pivotal that we have 400.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Four hundred.
TIMPF: You’re right. Let’s make it 800 and a pack of Mentos. How many? Just one. I don’t want to be wasteful.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Priceless. All right. Of course, we know why they need to hide Joe. They are worried about him.
Did you hear dozens of Dems want Biden to give up sole authority to launch nuclear weapons? It’s the presidential equivalent of your kids saying, dad, we’re going to need you to give us the car keys.
I wonder, have they ever thought of a deep fake for Joe? I mean, this is how Joe sounds like now.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BIDEN: Representatives Shirley Jackson Lee, Al Green, Sylvia Garcia, Lizzie Pinelli — excuse me, Pinell — and what am I doing here? I’m going to lose track here.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So did we. But what if we just did a little manipulation? I bet the media wouldn’t be any wiser. Right, Joe?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It’s time to get our economy going again. We of course abide by the law of diminishing returns initially brought to prominence by economist Johann Heinrich von Thunen among others.
Temerity shall revive the American spirit with the zeal of the Industrial Revolution in Great Britain. We no doubt recognize the distinguished tutelage of Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II, but we must never cease to ponder the inherent shortcomings of the constitutional monarchy as a form of government.
I love to read.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Not bad. But he is still no Trump, which is why whenever Trump rears his orange head, the media jumps to attention.
Thank God for All Trump News, which soothes the media’s assumptions about the world.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: You’re watching ATN: All Trump News because everything else is boring by comparison.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I’m Anderson Lemon with your All Trump headlines.
The Washington football team will not have cheerleaders for the first time since 1962. A coed dance team will be taking its place. They claim the goal is to be more inclusive, but some say it’s just another example of a man taking a woman’s job, which is exactly what Donald Trump did when he stole the election from Hillary Clinton in 2016. Such a pig.
On the New Zealand coast, glow in the dark sharks have been discovered living a thousand feet below sea level. More research is needed as to why the kitefin shark is able to illuminate itself. But one thing is for sure, if Donald Trump had his way, he would burn to a crisp and slather it with ketchup and stuff his stupid face with it.
And Prince Harry tells Oprah that separating from Royal Life has been quote “incredibly tough” on he and wife, Meghan Markle, fair to say not nearly as tough as Americans had with a President who was a royal pain in the ass. I mean, every single day, there was no escape from that monster.
Turn on the TV, Trump; radio, Trump; podcasts, Trump. Twitter — Twitter, I mean, you don’t know the meaning of tough. I’ve bitten my nails to the stubs. I’ve got a bald spot from pulling my hair out.
This is my fourth vodka of the morning.
I’m Anderson Lemon, All Trump News.
GUTFELD: Yes. Honestly, how different is that than our current media’s game plan?
Rather than focus on the speeches at CPAC last week, the press claims the stage was built on the shape of a rebranded swastika.
Yes, just weeks after linking harmful conspiracies to January 6th, the media declares the CPAC stage, a Nazi tribute. This wasn’t some rumor percolating in a Reddit forum. It was pushed by “The Washington Post,” “U.S.A. Today,” “Salon” and even TMZ.
Yes, TMZ. I guess celebrity dog-nappings just aren’t getting the clicks.
Of course, after the story faded, you find out that the Nazi stage was created by Design Foundry, a company that’s worked for Biden and MSNBC and whose political donations have almost entirely gone to Democrats.
So it turns out to be a hoax driven by a media that has Nazi on the brain. See, they are simply tripling down on their old strategy demonizing people they hate. It’s like they invented a new game.
ANNOUNCER: Everyone I hate is a Nazi.
GUTFELD: Isn’t that great music? It’s some game but only one side gets to play. It’s gross. I almost feel like John Brennan.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOHN BRENNAN, FORMER C.I.A. DIRECTOR: I’m increasingly embarrassed to be a white male these days, when I see of other white males saying, but it just shows that with the very few exceptions, like Mitt Romney, Liz Cheney, Adam Kinzinger, there are so few Republicans in Congress who value truth, honesty and integrity.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Did anyone tell him Liz Cheney is not a white male. But he’s right. Brennan should be embarrassed because he’s the worst kind of white male, John Brennan.
GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests.
She’s so bubbly she gives champagne a hangover. “Outnumbered” co-host and host of “Crimes that Changed America” on FOX Nation, Emily Compagno.
He cracks up more people than an unsafe roller coaster; writer, comedian and host of “Michael Loftus Live” on FOX Nation, Michael Loftus.
When things get dicey, she gets spicy and she once had head lice-y.
TIMPF: No, I did not.
GUTFELD: Host of “Sincerely, Kat” on FOX Nation, Kat Timpf.
And Earth makes him claustrophobic, my massive sidekick and host of “Nuff Said” on FOX Nation, Tyrus.
TIMPF: Bed bugs, yes; scabies, yes. Lice, no.
GUTFELD: Sorry, sorry. They’re all the same to me. You know, before this starts I’d like to basically call all of you Nazis and just get that over with and after the show, we will be burning Dr. Seuss books in Bryant Park. You okay with that, Tyrus.
GEORGE “TYRUS” MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, don’t try to confuse me, Greg. I’m researching you.
Since an old white man like hidden racist comments in our children’s book. I went out and I purchased Seuss-isms. So what’s missing from that ism, Greg?
GUTFELD: I don’t —
MURDOCH: What is it, Greg? Say it. I know you know what it is, Greg.
MURDOCH: Thank you. There’s no reason to say it because this entire book is loaded with little tricks of the trade for me to watch these crazy white men get away with their stuff.
Multitasking. I can hold up a cup and milk, the cake, brothers don’t have jobs. They always make mistakes. This is ridiculous.
This has always been there. I’m watching all of it. All of it.
MURDOCH: You know there’s more. Think outside the box, and that is the letter I use the spells zat. What is a zat, Greg?
GUTFELD: I don’t know.
MURDOCH: Out of work, brother, apparently because you can’t do anything else. This is ridiculous. Isms.
GUTFELD: Isms. Michael, what do you make of this latest cancellation of a legendary children’s book author?
MICHAEL LOFTUS, WRITER AND COMEDIAN, FOX NATION HOST: It’s horrible. This is the worst thing ever. If they can come for something like Seuss, nothing is safe.
GUTFELD: I’m sure there’s a lot of very interesting things in the Bible, if you’ve ever read it. Oh, it’s next, it’s next. There are scenes of horrible violence and that David fellow just murders that poor Goliath.
MURDOCH: Thank you. I’ve been saying that. Goliath got a bum rap just for being tall. He got singled out and murdered, and they cheered this guy on.
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true. Yes, yes.
MURDOCH: I know you love that story.
GUTFELD: I did. I met my wife after that story.
MURDOCH: That and Rumpelstiltskin.
MURDOCH: You love the most.
LOFTUS: I just want the Dr. Seuss thing to end because everybody is doing their own rhymes on Facebook.
LOFTUS: We get it. We get it. We all know you. One, to — red fish, two fish, one fish, censor fish. We got it. We got it.
We got it.
GUTFELD: That’s pretty good though. I should have used that one. All right, Emily. Nice pink today.
EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Thanks. The prince thought was brilliant. That’s the smartest he’s ever been. He was fantastic. I think when they change his battery later on, they should definitely add in that voice to him and his string to Nancy Pelosi. I think that should have been his campaign slogan like, what do you think Nance? That literally sums up the Biden presidency, a hundred percent.
And to John Brennan’s point about hating being a white male, the good news is he can identify as whatever he wants.
GUTFELD: That’s true. That’s true.
COMPAGNO: He is not stuck in that box.
GUTFELD: I felt also bad, Kat, for the signage person. Because she was waiting for Biden and she was — she had no idea where it was going to go. What do you do when you’re signing for Joe?
TIMPF: Yes. You have to drink some coffee. Stay on your feet. I just thought — it was so funny the way they just cut the feed. That answers your question? Like, I’ll take questions if you want, Nance.
It’s just — not even, oh, no. Because even him saying no could have gone another way.
GUTFELD: Right. Yes.
TIMPF: It wouldn’t have just been a simple no. It could have gone on and on. And it’s so funny, you know that nobody can make fun of that except us. You know, there is a lot of material there.
GUTFELD: No, you’re absolutely right. None of this stuff shows up anywhere else.
GUTFELD: Yes. Very, very good point there. Which is why we’re going to have a nightly show, Kat. Did you know that?
TIMPF: Yes. But I’m getting fired. Blah-blah-blah. You’re taking me out. Yes, I know. I know. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I don’t need to sleep at night.
GUTFELD: Okay. Up next, Biden had the gall to say Neanderthal. That’s next.
GUTFELD: Should it perplex us that they’ve opened up Texas. This week, Governor Greg Abbott announced the removal of all statewide COVID restrictions on businesses and ending the state’s mask mandate. Mississippi also announced plans to open back up a hundred percent.
Not everyone was thrilled including this chap.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BIDEN: The last thing we need is Neanderthal thinking that in the meantime, everything is fine, take off your mask. Forget it. It still matters.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Neanderthal thinking. He would know. That’s his age group. That was an obvious joke.
Meanwhile, rejected Thanksgiving float, Michael Moore, slammed the decision saying Texans now don’t deserve the vaccine, and that’s sullen bag of farts, Keith Olbermann, also called vaccinating Texans a waste.
But speaking of asses, in China, foreign travelers arriving to the country will be subject to mandatory anal swabs. Here’s a picture of one.
No, no, no. I want to see the real anal swab. Come on. Come on. One more time. Anal swab. Oh, I hate these technical difficulties.
All right, anal swab, I have to say, Michael, might be the best “Wheel of Fortune” puzzle ever.
LOFTUS: It’s probably my favorite.
LOFTUS: This is like —
GUTFELD: It’s just a thing. Thing and then people just have to figure out there’s an “N” missing and they’re going, it can’t be anal swab.
TIMPF: You would have guessed it right away though.
GUTFELD: Don’t be. I would just count the number of spaces and without the letters, I’d go, anal swab.
TIMPF: You would be guessing that for every puzzle.
MURDOCH: There comes a point past paging me for the umpteenth time, Greg that is not for — you’re not even spitting now.
GUTFELD: The anal swab.
LOFTUS: The dirtiest President.
MURDOCH: What is anal swabs?
LOFTUS: Everyone, anal swabs.
MURDOCH: I bet it all.
GUTFELD: Okay, all right. I will just start a game show in which the answer is always anal swabs.
LOFTUS: Which is also great song from the “Sound of Music.”
LOFTUS: I’m not going to sing it because I don’t have $10,000.00.
GUTFELD: What do you — that’s true, they’ll find you. What do you make of — is it Texas? Texas is like the guy that takes the risk, so other people don’t.
LOFTUS: Texas is fantastic, and I was like so bummed out with like Joe Biden, he let me down again with like “Neanderthal,” oh, man, he could have really slammed him.
He could have been like baskets of deplorables. He could have been making shirts and selling hats. He went Neanderthal and I’m not — I’m not impressed.
TIMPF: And then Psaki defended it saying he was saying they’re thinking is Neanderthal. It’s like, duh, that’s exactly what that insult is. You don’t insult someone’s body by calling him a Neanderthal, like every drawing of those guys, they have the best abs.
TIMPF: But Texas, I mean, do we all remember a year ago the reason for the lockdowns, right? To flatten the curve. So the hospitals don’t get overwhelmed.
If you remember that, which just sounds like a blast from the past because it is, the goalposts have now moved to even when we do have vaccines, I don’t know if I’m going to go back to school and teach the kids. It’s gone completely different.
So if you go by that with their own logic of what they originally said, it’s actually long overdue. Like pretty long overdue.
LOFTUS: And here’s the other thing. It’s like Neanderthal thinking — like letting like illegal aliens come in, who didn’t even test for COVID. There was like 108 of them the other day who just went poof, everywhere they wanted. So sorry if I don’t want to wear a mask.
GUTFELD: But yes, but the thing is, because our politicians are so far separated from the reality that they don’t care. Emily, what is your take on this matter?
COMPAGNO: Well, first of all, Texas was one of 17 states, right, that had released the limitation. Some never even had it to begin with, and Connecticut announced this week as well. But because it’s a Democratic Governor, clearly, they’re not subject to that name calling.
With those anal swabs, though, in China, you guys, do you realize that just next year, we’re going to have the Winter Olympics there. They are going to have an attendance rate of zero.
No one — every foreigner has to be subjected to that. No one is going to come compete there.
GUTFELD: They better warm up that swab.
COMPAGNO: We don’t have to boycott at all. No one is going to go.
LOFTUS: It’s a brilliant plan by China to check out everybody’s backsides. They’re like, listen, we’re going to have the Olympics. I want to see some booty.
So let’s — we need a test immediately.
GUTFELD: I don’t know all right, Tyrus. You have a choice of topics.
MURDOCH: I am just going to stop it. I am going to stop it right here. I’m going to stop you from even getting started because I know you’re so excited right now. Take you back.
GUTFELD: Who would have thought?
MURDOCH: First of all.
GUTFELD: Would have thought, Tyrus that the anal swab could help you flatten the curve?
MURDOCH: You just couldn’t — you just — you love it, every topic tonight, we’ll go back to that. But the thing about the woke — the word woke is past tense, which means you woke up late. You should be awake.
Because while he dropped the Neanderthal insult, science the week before had just came out to show Neanderthals had the same cognitive abilities and hearing as human beings.
TIMPF: And far better abs.
MURDOCH: Ergo, we are the same thing.
GUTFELD: You’re right. You’re right.
MURDOCH: So when you call someone a Neanderthal, you’re saying they’re an equal if you know what’s going on, but if you don’t, and things like current event and science is crazy talk to you, then calling someone Neanderthal is just fine even though you couldn’t be wronger. But then again, he’s not going to remember I brought it up to him.
LOFTUS: Why don’t you remind him?
GUTFELD: That was a good point, because I forgot about that. All right, I’ve got to move on.
I just admire Texas. Texas is like the guy in the zombie movie that says we need supplies. I’ll go. And Joe Biden is the guy that stays behind and goes, we’ll just stay here, but then he’ll take his share of the supplies.
LOFTUS: Oh yes.
GUTFELD: I hate that person. That’s actually me by the way.
All right up next, hell no, Cuomo won’t go.
MARIANNE RAFFERTY, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT: Live from “America’s News Headquarters.” I’m Marianne Rafferty.
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is facing another accusation of inappropriate behavior. “The Wall Street Journal” reporting that, Ana Liss says Cuomo asked if she had a boyfriend, called her sweetheart and kissed her hand. She served as a policy and operations aide to Cuomo from 2013 to 2015. Liss is the third former female aide to accuse the Governor of misconduct.
Cuomo is also mired in nursing home scandal and facing growing pressure to resign.
And poet, Amanda Gorman says she was racially profiled and tailed by a security guard during a walk home because she looked, quote “suspicious.” The 22-year-old, the youngest inaugural poet in U.S. history tweeted, “One day you’re called an icon, the next day a threat.”
Gorman says the guard left after she showed her door keys and entered her apartment.
I’m Marianne Rafferty, now back to THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW.
GUTFELD: The details mount from the undercount. “The Wall Street Journal,” a paper is reporting that Andrew Cuomo’s top advisors convinced state health officials to alter the numbers in last summer’s report on nursing home COVID deaths. The changes, quote: ” … reveal that the State possessed of fuller accounting of out of facility nursing home deaths as early as summer of 2020.”
The Health Department resisted calls by lawmakers and media to release the data for another eight months.
In January, the New York’s Attorney General found that the State underreported deaths in nursing homes by as much as 50 percent.
And yet the handsy-swine won’t resign.
Cuomo addressed the sexual harassment allegations he’s facing from three women, and he said the magic word a few times.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GOV. ANDREW CUOMO (D-NY): And I could intend no offense, but if they were offended by it, then it was wrong. And if they were offended by it, I apologize. And if they were hurt by it, I apologize. And if they felt pain from it, I apologize.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Apologize. Yes. Resign from power, get out of here.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CUOMO: I’m not going to resign. I work for the people of the State of New York. They elected me and I’m going to serve the people of the State of New York.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Yes, except they don’t like you anymore, Andy.
The latest Emerson College poll has Cuomo’s approval rating at 38 percent, so last year’s COVID hero is now closer to zero.
By the way, where are all of Cuomo’s fans now? A fond look back in our latest installment of —
ANNOUNCER: Fawn Stars.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BRIAN STELTER, CNN CHIEF MEDIA CORRESPONDENT: Carl, what was the most important message you heard from Governor Cuomo?
CARL BERNSTEIN, CNN POLITICAL ANALYST: Real leadership.
RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC HOST: It’s starting to feel like America has this one President in Washington, but a whole different President for the coronavirus crisis, who’s the guy in charge in New York.
ELLEN DEGENERES, TALK SHOW HOST: You call yourself a Cuomo-sexual and I agree with you. I feel like I’m a Cuomo-sexual, too.
JIMMY FALLON, TALK SHOW HOST: I know you’ve definitely and probably heard this, but you are well-liked among the ladies. People knowing that you’re single, and they think you’re good-looking and some people are calling themselves Cuomo-sexuals. They are obsessed with you and want to date you and want to marry you.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I’d tell them to get a room, but with Andy, it might be in a nursing home. So Emily, you are our legal mind here. Is Cuomo toast?
COMPAGNO: I think he is. And here’s the thing, he prefaced that statement, remember by saying, my attorneys told me not to make a statement.
My piece of legal advice for everyone here and watching is if your attorney is telling you not to speak, don’t. He dug himself into a deeper hole a million times over there.
First of all, he talked about his intent the entire time. But intent doesn’t matter. He should know because he requires all of us in the state, these employees to take this New York sexual harassment training. So we all know the law frontwards and backwards. His intent doesn’t matter. It is how it’s perceived.
And I think there were a million things in his statement, and in the questions that were immediately proven wrong. You know, he said he wasn’t on notice. There’s ticking the boxes.
But I think what’s more telling right now is that sort of deafening silence that we hear on the national level by people in his own party that haven’t quite come out with that same vitriol they did to past situations like this without credible allegations like now Justice Kavanaugh, where are they now?
I mean, it would be nice if the pendulum stays in the middle, which is given all voices, an amplification and a platform to speak. All investigations, transparency, and the thoroughness. And then we all wait for that conclusion.
But here, based on what we know thus far, he is toast. And I will conclude by saying that it seems like his primary challenger might be the Attorney General Letitia James.
GUTFELD: Interesting. Interesting. You know, Tyrus, I actually think, Emily, I don’t necessarily agree with Emily. I think that both — he has got to be awful when both parties in New York hate him this much. I mean, he’s got — he is getting leftists that want him to resign, maybe because they were just — they want his seat, not literally.
MURDOCH: When it comes to politics, you’ve got to take away all rationality and decency. And, you know, if you see a wounded colleague, usually they go in for the kill if it benefits them, and if it doesn’t, then they defend them.
You know, I think — you know, we have to go back and look at Janice Dean, she’s the hero, the fight she had to bring. What she knew from the jump was off, was not right, and all the ridicule that she took and was attacked, and just do the weather.
And now we’re looking at the horrors of it, and it was — it’s not just the Governor. It was his team. It was — everybody was involved in this process.
The effort it took to hide numbers, opposed to saying at the time when he had America’s ear, when he could have said, this is the death toll that we’re having in our nursing homes, and we need to do something. What we’re doing is not working. He would have gotten a second Emmy.
You know, and now, this is — I mean, the way I look at it is, it is like he was indifferent to homicide. Like literally people were dying, and he didn’t even care because it wasn’t good for his bottom line. That’s basically how it looks.
GUTFELD: Yes. He had a book coming out. Kat, can we talk about Jimmy Fallon?
TIMPF: Yes. Yes, yes, I saw the video, I was like. I talk all the time about the dangers of not being skeptical. You know about the people in power over you because it allows them to be able to get away with things, it makes corruption easier.
I guess I’m going to start a little smaller and say, at the very least, maybe don’t identify your sexuality based on your obsession with someone in power, over you like these Cuomo-sexuals. That was the thing.
Chelsea Handler was saying the same thing. “The Daily Beast — everyone was — “I’m a Cuomo-sexual.”
I mean, I don’t want to kink shame, okay, but that attitude is how — Janice Dean, for a year she has been talking about this. All the stuff that’s coming out is a bombshell because it is so bad, but it’s also anyone who’s been paying attention is like well, yes, of course and it’s because that’s why you can’t — just come on guys. Cuomo-sexual?
GUTFELD: You see, Cuomo should then blame them. You guys egged me on. You kept saying I was sexy. So I started sort of touching women. That’s my impression, and it’s terrible.
But the thing, Michael, last words to you, I just find it strange that the media is more upset about the sexual harassment than the nursing home deaths.
LOFTUS: Yes, that’s the one that’s been driving me crazy. If you’ve been paying attention for months like Janice Dean, like there’s a lot of dead people and everybody is like yawn, isn’t Cuomo dreamy?
And now he tells some girl, “I want you to eat the whole sausage.” And they’re like, whoa, record scratch. He’s got to go. It’s like watching the end of “King Kong.” Right? He’s destroyed half of New York, but it’ll be the planes of sexual harassment that will take him down.
COMPAGNO: But to your point, he apologized 17 times during that presser for behavior that made women feel uncomfortable. He has not apologized once for the thousands of deaths under his watch.
LOFTUS: Yes. The apology is so creepy.
LOFTUS: He didn’t like it. I’m sorry. He didn’t like to —
GUTFELD: Also, we are not so — he doesn’t have to talk so slow. Like I always feel like I’m like being lectured by — I don’t know. Maybe or maybe, you know, maybe it’s sexy.
TIMPF: And he definitely — he definitely has nipple rings.
GUTFELD: Yes, he definitely does.
LOFTUS: You don’t like the nipple rings.
TIMPF: He won’t even aware a bra.
GUTFELD: You’re kink shaming.
TIMPF: I’m not kink shaming.
GUTFELD: Stop the kink shaming. Up next —
TIMPF: I would never —
GUTFELD: There shall be no toys for girls or boys.
GUTFELD: They want Cinderella next to that He-Man fella. Lawmakers in California — are there any other kind — have proposed a law that would fine department stores for separating children’s toys and clothing into boys and girls section. What the hell?
Instead they would have to display them in one undivided unisex area — the perverts — the law would apply to retailers with 500 or more employees and they could get dinged with $1,000.00 fine for not complying.
The reason for this apparently, so girls don’t feel bad about liking something in the boys section and vice versa.
Fine, but have they gone far enough? There’s a lot of toys that are gender specific and they haven’t solved the problem of changing those toys and making them gender neutral like they should.
I think it’s time to get rid of the whole concept of boys and girls toys altogether.
You remember Rock’em and Sock’em robots. Just make it a rock and a sock. Right? Remember, super soaker. Oh, that’s very male, very male. I prefer a plastic five gallon refillable water jug.
And finally, remember Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy, very gender specific. How about a rag and another rag? Merry Christmas. Here’s your rags.
LOFTUS: And another rag.
GUTFELD: And another rag. All right, Tyrus, you have kids?
GUTFELD: A brood. Can we say a brood?
TIMPF: A brood.
GUTFELD: Say a gathering of children.
TIMPF: A gaggle.
MURDOCH: Baker’s dozen.
GUTFELD: Does that make your life much harder?
MURDOCH: A bushel.
GUTFELD: Because you can’t — you can’t go to the right aisle to find things.
MURDOCH: Okay, first of all, with all the things in California that’s going on right now.
MURDOCH: We’re trying to fine stores that can’t even open.
MURDOCH: For having boys and girls toys on different aisles in the toy section. Okay.
I have a six year old and I have three nine year olds. I’m not getting into all of that right now.
TIMPF: Wait all three of them are nine?
MURDOCH: And —
GUTFELD: But they’re not triplets.
TIMPF: They’re not triplets.
TIMPF: They are not triplets. Their hair doesn’t match. Can I get to my thought?
LOFTUS: Wait how does this work?
MURDOCH: Listen, 2011 was an amazing year and I don’t want it — is what it is. They are with me now. So judge whatever.
TIMPF: Wait. What did you do in 2011?
GUTFELD: What did you not do?
MURDOCH: Okay, so anal swabs.
GUTFELD: Yes, anal swabs.
LOFTUS: He didn’t go to China?
MURDOCH: Yes. No. The point is, when I take my kids to the toy section to pick out a toy, they immediately let me know where they want to go. So if my daughter says that daddy, I want to get a Marvel’s action figure, we go get a Marvel’s actually figure.
MURDOCH: Or if she wants a Barbie or whatever. As long as they’re playing and not on their iPad, I’m good with it. But I’ve never had the issue where they’re like, oh, dad, I’m confused. Why is Barbie next to He-Man. Like what? You can read.
GUTFELD: You know, I was surprised, but Michael, you have children because you dress like a homeless folk singer.
GUTFELD: But how does this — how does this affects you? I mean. Tyrus is right. We’re in the middle of a pandemic. The stores aren’t even open and they’re doing this stuff.
LOFTUS: Homeless folk singer. That one hurt. No, it’s the most ridiculous thing. Living in California to have this be anywhere near a priority is just such an insult. You literally have to fend off armed homeless people, avoiding needles in the street and human feces, but oh, thank goodness, the toys are mixed together.
LOFTUS: Thank God. Listen, if you’ve ever been late for a kid’s birthday party, and you have to run in, you need to know where things are.
LOFTUS: You’ve got to go, you’ve got to get the toy, you’ve got to get out. Now they’re going to mix it up.
Hey, you know what we should do in California? Just have everybody shop at the dump. It’s all — it’s all recycled. It’s all mixed together. It’s all environmentally friendly. Just get — just go to the dump.
GUTFELD: And by the way. As a child I love going to the dump, Kat, my dad used to — we’d go all go to the dump on a Sunday, and he would just go, pick one thing you get to only pick one thing, he’d say.
TIMPF: I honestly spent a full —
LOFTUS: To my kids, I love you so —
TIMPF: No —
MURDOCH: You just wanted to say dump.
TIMPF: A spent a full year begging my parents to take me to the dump and they never would.
GUTFELD: The dump was like the magical fantasy.
GUTFELD: There were seagulls. There were — there were just weird stuff — you could find all sorts of [bleep]. Anyway, what are your thoughts?
LOFTUS: You weren’t joking.
GUTFELD: No, I wasn’t.
LOFTUS: That’s fantastic.
TIMPF: Look, I don’t know. It’s just — I never — I played with mostly when I was little plastic lizards and rubber bugs, which — a girly thing? I don’t know. Probably not. I guess, I never thought about it. Maybe it is really that serious. I don’t know if that’s all my trauma comes from.
But you’re all saying that this shouldn’t be happening because there’s so much going on in California right now, which I agree with, but I also feel like it shouldn’t be happening ever.
I read this this bill, okay. I read this bill. This is a sentence of the bill. “Item 3: Toys means all products designed or intended by the manufacturer to be used by children when they play.”
If you were writing this in a government document ever, you have gone too far. This is not when our country was being founded, like, where government was supposed to go.
MURDOCH: This is when legal weed goes wrong.
MURDOCH: This was a horrible idea.
GUTFELD: Emily, what’s your take on this?
TIMPF: I can’t believe you were allowed to go to the dump.
LOFTUS: I know. I wanted to hang out with the —
COMPAGNO: I know, whenever I think about a dump, I think about my bodyguard, remember that 80s movie where they like reconstruct that — anyway, so it pains me to say this because we’re from California and I love it. But this is the same state where the answer seems to be over regulation, more laws, right?
Remember there’s threats of criminal misdemeanors if you address seniors by the wrong gender pronoun, in retirement home so I’m not surprised by this because there is the answer to everything out there is a legislative reason why you’re more choke held why you’re more crippled from actually succeeding as an entrepreneur or a small business owner there.
And coming from someone who has every single clothing item in a rainbow order, ascending order, the thought of shelves not all pink and all blue, is like my —
TIMPF: What do you mean by ascending order?
COMPAGNO: Like from black to pink.
TIMPF: Oh, God, if we were roommates, you would murder me.
COMPAGNO: You would murder me, for sure. I mean, it’s really incredible.
GUTFELD: I just have to know where the boy dolls are because that’s where I get all my clothes.
Up next. He paid for the date, but now he wants a refund. Is that okay?
GUTFELD: When they decided to break up, he told her to pay up. A woman named Alexx with two exes, always a good sign, shared a screenshot of text messages from a guy she’d gone on three dates with, but didn’t plan to see again, asking her to pay him back some of the money he’d spent on her, quote, “I believe it was three separate times we went out, bar, restaurants where I paid for us both each time, I’d say $35.00 is more than fair for your food and drinks that I got you during those dates.”
“I view you as a fair girl. I hope you’ll consider reimbursing me. Thanks.”
He then shared a link to his Venmo account so she could send him the money. The post went viral, as the kids say, but a few said he kind of had a point, Alexx made it clear that you would not be paying him anything in a follow up tweet.
The weirdest aspect of this story. They’re both brother and sister.
No, I just put that in there. I don’t know why. All right. Kat, should the guy — I think the guy was right and he should have charged interest since she had none for him.
TIMPF: Oh, that’s great. You had to get that in. Is that why we did the segment? So you can say that?
TIMPF: Okay. That’s what I thought. Well, no, I think the guy is wrong. But I’m also no fan of her because I feel as though she’s kind of bragging. Like, oh, he paid for all my dates. You know, like, my dating experience wasn’t like that and I spent more than $35.00 in some of these guys and that’s not like — that’s like before the therapy that I had to go to after. So I don’t like anyone in this situation.
GUTFELD: You don’t? You hate everybody. You know, Emily —
TIMPF: Not everybody, but Alexx and this dude, yes.
GUTFELD: Yes. You know, Emily, as a woman, I feel — as a woman, you know, you’re told often or at least I was told growing up that you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs to find a Prince Charming or get salmonella.
COMPAGNO: So as the saying goes.
COMPAGNO: I found it — this whole thing was ridiculous to me. But this is the kind of kids that are being raised right now. Like all coming in three days later, I thought, I think it’s going to be $35.00, and yes, thanks. Thanks. Exclamation mark.
Like I hated this start to finish. First of all, you either outline your expectations in the beginning, if he was going in this like that, like a transaction and be like, hey, let’s both split it or whatever. And then that way, it’s no skin off anyone’s back if they leave.
And secondly, which has happened to like connection? What happened to me inviting you out, Kat and being like? No, I got this because you’re my guest.
TIMPF: I’m available for that whenever by the way.
TIMPF: I’m not doing anything after this.
GUTFELD: She eats a lot though.
TIMPF: I do.
GUTFELD: It’s disgusting. She like has got a hole in her foot. Hey, Tyrus.
MURDOCH: Hey, Greg.
GUTFELD: Where do you stand on this?
MURDOCH: I stand back on this. First of all, where the hell are you going that she only owes you 35 bucks on three dates? That’s first thing.
But more importantly, we’re all missing the point here.
GUTFELD: Uh-oh, here we go.
MURDOCH: This has nothing to do with money at all. This has to do with this is a common — and I’m surprised, fellows you don’t know this.
GUTFELD: I am old.
MURDOCH: You kind of throw a little controversy because you want to talk to her again. So hey, after our few dates, it looks like when I date again, do you mind paying me back? And it’s just like, why, they weren’t that bad? Why would I pay you back? Oh, I don’t know.
And she’s like, well, maybe we can go out again sometime. Yes, you know what, let’s try it again. Let’s figure it out. That’s what he’s going for.
GUTFELD: Does that work?
MURDOCH: No, Greg. It never works.
COMPAGNO: He hates him now.
GUTFELD: I see your point now.
MURDOCH: But that’s what he was trying to do. And then here’s where he gets a lucky break, and this is $35.00 well spent. Because the fact that you would say that to someone and her first move was to put your personal conversation out on Twitter for no other reason than to humiliate you and make her look like she’s some great catch.
You might as well add an extra X to that name, because no one is going to stay with somebody who they literally have a conversation with you, and you post it on social media for attention and make fun of somebody.
So yes, you’re not getting 35 bucks back, bro. But that could be a lifetime of nagging and being treated horribly and it’s always your fault.
TIMPF: I knew that when guys asked you for money, it meant they really liked you.
GUTFELD: Mike, was this you?
LOFTUS: It was me. Yes. Listen, it was three lovely dates. We had a good time, Alexx. Just forget the 35 bucks. Just answer my calls. I just want to talk to you.
Yes, they’re both horrible people. It’s so horrible, I want transcripts of the conversations. I want to know what they were talking about.
GUTFELD: You know what though, you just stumbled into the truth. They’re both awful people. They deserve each other.
TIMPF: Which is what makes this so heartbreaking.
GUTFELD: They deserve each other.
LOFTUS: They started at the wrong —
MURDOCH: She is worse.
COMPAGNO: No, he is horrible.
MURDOCH: He asked her for the money back.
COMPAGNO: Alexx is not nearly as bad as the guy in this. He is asking —
LOFTUS: Alexx is the villain.
MURDOCH: Did he post a pretty girl won’t pay me back? Switch roles, if that was a woman asking the guy to pay her back, would we be talking about, oh, what a cat.
GUTFELD: All right, they are yelling at me to keep going. We could talk about this for hours. And God knows, I would love to especially with America watching.
But don’t forget about my rescheduled live shows in support of my book, “The Plus” that came out a thousand years ago, April 18th at Columbia Speedway in South Carolina. Fingers crossed. Nashville August 22nd and Memphis October 9th.
Wow. Go to ggutfeld.com for ticket info. We are coming back.
GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thanks to Emily Compagno, Michael Loftus, Kat Timpf and Tyrus.
I’m Greg Gutfeld. And I love you America.
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