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Dear Global Liberal Cannibalistic Pedophile Conspiracy:

Please accept this letter as my resignation from the Conspiracy. As of today, my bar tab has been fully paid and I have returned my ceremonial cloak of deepest-red velvet, so deep as to be black, to Glen at the front desk.

I write this with a heavy heart. Joining the G.L.C.P.C. was a dream come true, and yet just last year I was starting to think that maybe there was no global leftist cabal that ate babies as part of a satanic rite in order to gain immortality and, through control of the media and the banks, impose a New World Order and also run child-prostitution rings. I had been working in Hollywood for years, intentionally producing youth-corrupting garbage TV in the hope of getting noticed by the Conspiracy. From a networking standpoint, you guys are next level, and, at the time, I was trying to make the pivot into feature films.

So I was relieved to wake up one midnight, unable to move, to find a sulfurous imp (aglow on its forehead the Greek letter eta: “H,” for “Hillary”) crawling into my mouth. After that, of course, I was able to understand the coded messages you were sending through C-SPAN, pop culture, and Wordle. A few weeks later, I was listening to “All Too Well (Taylor’s Version),” and there, hidden in the part about the refrigerator, was my invitation to the 2021 Feast of the Innocents-slash-orgy in the crypt under the Lincoln Memorial!

Since then, I have been an active and involved member of the G.L.C.P.C. It was my idea that we stop using “cheese pizza” as code for “child prostitute” at the pizzerias that we own around the world as fronts for child prostitution. I’m proud to say that incidences of confused Little League teams accidentally being given child prostitutes are way down. I also was the one to suggest that maybe “Q” from QAnon is that guy Quentin who was always taking pictures with his phone. And, later that evening, I helped Oprah and Pope Francis drown him. I got a high five from Oprah!

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And yet I never felt entirely welcome. Clearly, my choice not to participate in the rite of eating human babies and drinking their blood has held me back. Which I find hypocritical. As I said during the interview process, it shouldn’t matter what I eat; isn’t the whole point of the Conspiracy to create a better world, one of tolerance and inclusion? Where a dog can marry a car and there are zero guns and the Thought Police punish Wrong-Think®? At the time, Hillary Herself stood and applauded those sentiments (I was quoting her, but still), and then everyone started clapping and then it turned into an orgy.

In reality, those noble ideals go only so far. I soon came to feel like a pariah. I was frequently left out of inside jokes about ritualistic baby-eating. At dinners, I somehow always found myself seated next to fucking Mark Zuckerberg. I was Mop Boy at three orgies in a row. And then, at the Gathering of the Cabal last Wednesday, as the line was forming before the Slaking Altar, Tom Hanks (he was wearing a brass goat head, but I’m pretty sure it was Hanks) noticed me standing off to the side and said, “What a baby. I guess we should eat him next!” This got a big laugh (although it was kind of a kissing-ass, I-think-that’s-Hanks-under-there laugh). Needless to say, I left early, even though the Rothschilds had brought a “special surprise” that turned out to be solid-gold live birds.

As I walked back home through the secret tunnels under the Denver airport, I found myself wondering, Is this really how we’re going to make a better world? By worshipping the Devil and eating babies? Yes, I know that eating babies and drinking their blood grants us immortality. Except . . . does it? Since I joined the G.L.C.P.C., so many people have told me about Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s “epic” final Feast and Slaking. How she ate “so much baby” and drank “so much blood.” And then the next day she died. The other night, Senator Feinstein basically had to be carried up the schist steps to the Basin. She did not look super immortal. And President Biden wasn’t even there, because he’d fallen off a couch earlier that day.

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Which brings me to the real reason I have to resign. I don’t think any of it is working. Not just the “immortality by way of cannibalism.” The whole damn thing. Are we any closer to a socialist-plutocratic New World Order than when we started? The Gathering was a chance to reassure members that the Conspiracy is not completely off the rails, but even the Treasurer’s report was alarming—why does the portfolio have so much crypto?! Do we control the economy or not? And the video highlighting our recent achievements was flat-out depressing. I’m glad that cigarette use in movies is down and soccer continues to gain in popularity, but that really doesn’t convince me that all the baby-eating is worth it. And, if we’re just spinning our wheels despite the direct support of Satan Himself (who frankly seemed pretty rattled about our progress), then maybe we should all be rethinking the G.L.C.P.C.

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In closing, I do hope you’ll keep me in mind for any future global conspiracies. And please let me know when you might have time to discuss my screenplay. ♦

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