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This is a rush transcript from “The Greg Gutfeld Show,” February 27, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated


 GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Like kale, coconut water and crossover fanny packs, it is amazing how a thing once deemed evil can suddenly become acceptable.  


I guess it’s time for —  


ANNOUNCER: And now, THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW presents only when you’re a Democrat.  


GUTFELD: I wonder, did you say it is not kids in cages?  




PETER DOOCY, FOX NEWS CHANNEL WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: You said, it is not kids in cages. We’ve seen some photos now of containers. Is there a better description? Is it kids in containers instead of kids in cages? What is the White House’s description of this facility?  


JEN PSAKI, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: Well, let me — let me give a broader description of what’s happening here.  


We have a number of unaccompanied minors, children who are coming into the country without their families.  




GUTFELD: What? So now, it’s no longer kids in cages separated from their parents. It’s teens in facilities traveling alone, like backpacking through Europe. Yes.  


Now, now, they admit it was never about tearing kids from their moms and dads, just protecting them from strangers. So now, they discover nuance. Oh my, immigration is actually hard and this border stuff is harder. We could really use a wall.  


Well, that was close. I was waiting for Jen to say, but Peter, we made sure it’s women putting kids in cages, sorry, facilities. Remember that?  




PSAKI: What is President Biden doing for my small business? First and foremost, he nominated a woman to lead the Small Business Administration who formerly worked there.  




GUTFELD: Yes, because gender matters more than competence. I wonder if it goes over well in her free time.  




UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Have you been in contact with anybody suspected to have coronavirus in the past 14 days?  


KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR, IMPERSONATING JEN PSAKI:  Well, as you know, Joe Biden appointed me and I am a woman. So he, you know, does appoint women.  


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It’s a yes or no question.  


TIMPF: It doesn’t always have to be a yes or no answer, John.  




TIMPF: Just because I am a woman that does not mean I need you to mansplain your name to me.  


So we appreciate your work, but the White House is going a different direction with the kitchen staff.  




TIMPF: Well, it is absolutely crucial to President Biden that every person in his kitchen is a woman. He wants all of his sandwiches to be made by women. Your wife could apply.  


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: She’s a lawyer.  


TIMPF: That’s okay. If she is a woman, then she belongs in the kitchen.  


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Isn’t that sexist?  


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Wow. Have you been reading this story about the woman who killed her husband in his sleep? It’s crazy.  


TIMPF: Well, see, to me what is crazy is that it’s 2021, but you don’t seem to understand that a woman can do anything a man can do.  


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: It’s here that his skull was shattered.  


TIMPF: Well, you know what else was shattered? The glass ceiling, right? Murder is not just for men anymore and that’s something that President Biden takes very seriously.  




GUTFELD: Of course, everything bad under Trump became everything awesome under Biden, because new Democratic management means new names and new perspectives.  


Unemployment isn’t so bad, it is family time. Rising crime, it’s part of the equitable redistribution. Children in cages, really, it’s just a campout for needy kids. And look at the vaccines, under Trump, who was telling you not to take them?  




DANA BASH, CNN CHIEF POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT: Let’s just say there’s a vaccine that is approved and even distributed before the election, would you get it?  


KAMALA HARRIS (D), THEN VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE: I would not trust Donald Trump, and it would have to be a credible source of information that talks about the efficacy and the reliability of whatever he is talking about. I will not take his word for it.  




GUTFELD: And yet, like a robotic jukebox, she has changed her tune.  




KAMALA HARRIS (D), VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I promise you and I am telling you, this vaccine is safe, and it will save your life and the lives of your family and your community, and we have it within our power to actually do that.  


So get your vaccination when it is your turn. It will save your life.  


AL SHARPTON, MSNBC HOST: I was skeptical about the vaccine, but you turned me around.  




GUTFELD: Why was it skeptical in the first place? Her. It’s amazing what happens when you have to be the adult in the room. But when you’re with Sharpton who is left? But the Dems always have the advantage with the media being there in-house or outhouse PR squad. I wonder how Joe’s handling this.  




ANNOUNCER: And now, President Biden on words.  


TOM SHILLUE, FOX NATION HOST, IMPERSONATING JOE BIDEN: It’s all about words, man. Change the word, you change the policy. You say cages, I say containers. You say containers, I say cantinas. That’s right.  


I learned about words from Barack Obama when I was his Vice Principal. We’re going to take these kids. We’re going to move them from C.B.P. to H.H.S. Then we’re going to sit back and watch CNN show us a little TLC. You down with OPP? Oh, you know me, Uncle Joe.  


Text Joe to .  




GUTFELD: Of course, he is our President, but you wouldn’t know it if you watch those other late night shows.  




ANNOUNCER: He’s still their President.  


JIMMY KIMMEL, TALK SHOW HOST: Remember back in 2019 when Donald Trump met Kim Jong-un in Vietnam. They had a Summit there. Well, according to a former national security official, after the summit, Trump offered to give Kim a ride home on Air Force One.  


STEPHEN COLBERT, TALK SHOW HOST: But old don’t 45 is not out of the woods yet because today, the Supreme Court denied his final bid to block the release of his tax returns.  


SETH MEYERS, TALK SHOW HOST: Personally trying to spread the disease to as many people as you can like, President outbreak monkeys.  




GUTFELD: They’re like the slumps who never got over not going to the prom, so they relive it every day. Or maybe they just hire lazy hack writers who refuse to see anything funny about the new administration.  


Fact is, they need Trump and every story needs to be about Trump. They could really use a network that caters to their addictions.  




ANNOUNCER: You’re watching ATN: All Trump News because everything else is boring by comparison.  


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I’m Anderson Lemon with All Trump headlines for this minute. Tiger Woods is lucky to be alive after a serious accident in California. Woods might have lost control of the vehicle, but experts theorize climate change could have played a role.  


A serious existential risk Donald Trump continues to deny because he hates clean air, water and birds.  


Speaking of birds, bird watchers have spotted a once in a lifetime rare half male, half female cardinal and we are sure, if Donald Trump would have his way, this bird would never be able to serve in the military or be allowed to marry another half male half female cardinal because he is a heartless transphobic monster.  


Bruce Springsteen has been fined $450.00 for drinking tequila in a national park, but after having Donald Trump as President for four years, shouldn’t all of us be allowed to drink tequila in a national park? I mean, seriously, he is really evil.  


My life is a wreck. I’ve been drinking tequila since noon. And it’s all on that horrible jerk. From Washington, I’m Anderson Lemon, All Trump News.  




GUTFELD: But maybe the media is in for a hell of a wake-up call. Remember the sticker that says “Objects in the side-view mirror are closer than they appear.” convexity offers a large field of view that makes the objects look smaller.  


Trump is the opposite. In that rearview mirror, the larger field of vision is telling you something else. It’s the Dems that are getting smaller, not him because they really can’t do a better job than Trump. He kind of aced the test and they’re trying not to flunk it.  


In that mirror, here is where Trump comes out ahead. First, North Korea in four years what Obama deemed the most pressing threat to the incoming administration now isn’t even on Biden’s to-do list. Why?  


Did Trump solve the most pressing problem before the pandemic? The vaccines. Their effectiveness is being called miraculous by the press. Who pushed that forward? Did Trump solve the most pressing problem, which is the pandemic before Biden even emerged from the basement?  


The Middle East peace deals. If this happened under Obama, the CNN Washington Bureau would be drowning in its own tears of joy.  


The economy, if Trump hadn’t ushered in such a historic economic machine, would we have enjoyed the pandemic with unemployment dropping now to around six percent with a GDP roaring back? Could it be the tax breaks? And deregulation helped?  


China. Who saw them coming first while D.C. cronies and corporations cozied up to these communists? One orange visionary was yelling, what about our workers? What about our country?  


And who exposed fake news for what it was and shall never be the same?  


So it’s amazing looking back and it is funny looking forward. One thing is for certain, the media isn’t looking anywhere, except at their own navels. Their next headline, “Belly button lint,” another shameful legacy of Trump.  


ANNOUNCER: Period.  


GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. She bought pillowcases for her marshmallows. Her new book, “Everything Will Be Okay” comes out March 9th. It’s a thriller. My cohost on “The Five” and co-anchor of “America’s Newsroom,” Dana Perino.  


He’s afraid of his own shadow, which is why he’s always so clean shaven, comedian Joe Machi.  


They call her pool cue because she is skinny and blonde, and can be found leaning against a wall at most dive bars. Host of “Sincerely Kat” on FOX Nation, Katherine Timpf.  


And flatbed trucks are his bedroom slippers. My massive sidekick and host of “Nuff Said” on FOX Nation, Tyrus.  


All right, Dana, what’s so special about being a woman anyway?  


DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Apparently, we haven’t gotten the memo.  


GUTFELD: Yes, yes.  


PERINO: So when she — when Jen Psaki continually says, well, he appointed a woman. The thing about the Small Business Administration, which was the specific question she got from that Instagram Live she did. Both of President Trump’s SBA nominees were women.  


GUTFELD: Right.  


PERINO: Linda McMahon and Irma Aguirre.  


GUTFELD: That’s true.  


PERINO: And they’re really good — and Linda McMahon, that was a coup in order to get her to come into the administration. And you know, to those economic numbers that you pointed to, she really focused on that and they followed through.  


And then it also reminded — I was reminded of, remember, Mitt Romney’s binder full of women?  




PERINO: And he talked about how we wanted to hire more women at Bain Capital, so I had binders full of women and people made — the Democrats made it. He will never hear the end of it.  


But his whole point was that he was trying to hire women.  


TIMPF: But that’s exactly what this — that was so crazy, right? Because she was — she could have said in response. Well, now we have Isabel Guzman here, and she’s going to be great because of this qualification and because of that qualification. Use that time to really prop up the qualifications of a woman.  

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But instead, she just said, well, we hired a woman. So she is basically telling the country that it was just — well, they were just checking a box.  




TIMPF: That’s actually incredibly offensive to women, and she thinks it’s a progressive thing, when really it’s the opposite.  


GUTFELD: And also, it’s just filthy. It’s filthy. Or maybe I heard it in a filthy way, Joe, I don’t really know. What do you take — what’s your take with — I’m sorry, Tyrus. I’m just telling you, I’m sorry.  


GEORGE “TYRUS” MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: You’re rattled, because your little mind is telling you to say so many things. Because I have the same little brain right now. This is the one time I don’t mind being skipped.  


GUTFELD: I’m sorry, I just had this — like I’m sitting there and I can’t let like a joke go by, but then it’s like I have to Joe, save me. Pick a topic late night hosts, Joe Biden, Ronald Reagan.  


JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: I’ll stay on the current topic. You know, her saying that we hired a female Treasury Secretary instead of answering what the administration was going to do on the GameStop trading fiasco made perfect sense because that sounds a lot better than Janet Yellen just took $800,000.00 to do speeches in front of the people she now has to regulate.  


GUTFELD: Right.  


MACHI: Because obviously, you’re one of the best comedians in the world, you clear maybe half a million if you sell it in an arena. I’m sure that speech wasn’t better than most comedians in the world and I won’t disagree that that was a bribe, unless you pay me $800,000.00.  


GUTFELD: It is amazing. That is a lot of a lot of money, Tyrus.  


PERINO: That’s a good point.  


GUTFELD: A lot of money. What do you think about anything?  


MURDOCH: Well, so what’s our next topic?  


PERINO: I want to hear a joke.  


MURDOCH: You know what, I am never afraid, right? Isn’t that our moniker here, never afraid of anything. I am afraid.  




MURDOCH: Here’s the thing, I just — when do we draw the line with the “I hired a woman”? Could you imagine his next interview on whatever thing you’re doing in there.  


So Gutfeld, explain yourself, how do you explain the success for THE GUTFELD SHOW? I hired a black. Like, I mean, he is not super black, but he is that middle black. So I mean, obviously there was some miscegenation in this family at some point. But we’re fine with that. He’s still technically according to Webster’s dictionary, he’s black. So I’ll wait for my Emmy.  


GUTFELD: And Webster.  


MURDOCH: Yes, and Webster.  


GUTFELD: Not Webster.  


MURDOCH: Yes, not little Webster.  




MURDOCH: The big Webster. But for this, it was by Webster.  




MURDOCH: So literally every time we do the show, and you introduce me, you don’t have to do those crazy, insulting things about my shoe size and how tall I am, you can be like, and he is black.  




MURDOCH: And you just move on from that because that’s — it doesn’t matter —  


TIMPF: That’s exactly what she did.  


MURDOCH: That’s exactly what she did. You’re a woman.  


GUTFELD: We should do a show where all the introductions are just based on ethnicity.  


TIMPF: And Kat Timpf, the girl.  


GUTFELD: The girl.  


PERINO: I’m kind of offended by that — she answered that gender mattered at all.  


GUTFELD: Yes, yes.  


MURDOCH: Exactly.  


PERINO: Aren’t we supposed to be offended by that?  


GUTFELD: Everybody is drinking from the same brainwash. It’s a shame. It’s a shame.  


All right. We have so much good stuff. I can’t wait. Still ahead. Offensive bar fights, but first, offensive Muppets. You’re going to love this.  




ANNOUNCER: Canceling Tornado.  


GUTFELD: Who gets appalled at a furry little doll? Yes, the cancel tornado is always looking for its next victim and now, it’s the Muppets. Disney+ is now streaming the classic show, but with an offensive content warning before select episodes.  


The disclaimer notes the show quote: “Includes negative depictions and/or mistreatment of people or cultures.” These stereotypes were wrong then and are wrong now. They were wrong then.  


It’s been added to 18 episodes. Not a bad marketing ploy, Disney.  


For example when Johnny Cash hosted the show, he sings in front of a Confederate flag. Maybe that’s overkill, but it got me thinking, were the Muppets more offensive than we remember? Let’s look at an old clip.  




KERMIT THE FROG: You know Miss Piggy, you sure could stand to lose a few pounds, don’t you think?  


MISS PIGGY: Excuse me. What did you say?  


KERMIT THE FROG: Miss Piggy, I invited your much hotter sister over.  


MISS PIGGY’S SISTER: Let’s do it, frog.  




GUTFELD: That was harsh, Kermit. Weight shaming. Do we have another?  




OSCAR THE GROUCH: I don’t know where you want me to go. I lost my job. Can you please just leave me alone, please?  


COUNT DRACULA: You see kids, this man spent all his money on drugs and hookers. His family is ashamed of him. He is a drain on society. Ha-ha-ha.  




GUTFELD: I never knew the Count was like that. Do we have one more?  




BERT: Hey there, neighbor. It’s good to see you. How’s it going today?  


UNIDENTIFIED MUPPET: Are you still living with another man?  


BERT: Oh, yes, well, I believe that’s Bert right over there.  


UNIDENTIFIED MUPPET: That’s disgusting. Oh, I bet you guys just love stuff like musical theater. That’s gross.  


BERT: Oh —  


UNIDENTIFIED MUPPET: Where is he? I want to talk to this Bert fella.  




GUTFELD: That’s pretty offensive. I guess I do agree with a warning after all. Joe, I don’t know. Did you ever try to be a Muppet or were there too many strings attached?  


MACHI: There’s a lot of offensive Fozzie Bear stereotypes that the Muppets have propagated about stand-up comedians. We’re not all squeaky high pitched voice acts going around with no self-confidence and waka-waka because that’s when the punch line is.  


GUTFELD: You think — Tyrus, do you think that this was just a brilliant ploy to get people to stream?  


MURDOCH: No, I do think this is our last episode though. We almost made it to five nights a week, and then we got cocky.  


Listen, I think this is great. This is great for me because that spin off on Saturday nights have been telling you about, Tyrus and two angry old white men.  




MURDOCH: The judge has got to be available.  


GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true.  


MURDOCH: You know, and they can be as old and white as they want to be.  




MURDOCH: And it will come on what — two in the morning, so no one really see. But I find this offensive that you’re taking away. classic comedy stuff. So pretty much everything that happened in the 70s and 80s was evil.  


Like this isn’t like we’re talking about, we were drowning witches and stoning people to death and excommunicating them. They were telling jokes and people laughed and it was a hit show.  


It was such a hit show that people still want to watch it today, just to be told that it was so bad. I love the Muppets, and I don’t care if they told the jokes in front of a Confederate flag, a burning church. It was funny.  


And I would literally, I will put — the two judges can sit right here, give me the Conservative Blue Eagle, and we’ll make money. Let’s do it.  


GUTFELD: There you go. So Dana, this proves that I was wrong about like the graduates in Gender Race Studies that they actually did find jobs, like these — I think now, they are now in the workforce, in H.R. or corporations scaring the crap out of this — out of the executives, who are now just kowtowing to anything.  


PERINO: So Disney did this. Thankfully, they didn’t take it all off the air. I do think there’s a little bit of marketing thing that goes on with this. But at least, they didn’t take it off the air because I love the Muppets. It was great.  


But Disney did give special thanks to the Xinjiang Province of China where millions of Muslims are locked in concentration camps. So the graduates that you’re talking about, they don’t care about that.  


GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.  


PERINO: They care about the Muppets in the 70s.  


TIMPF: It’s conformity.  




MACHI: There’s the cultural norm though that we have to address.  


PERINO: Yes, thanks for that reminder. Thank you.  


GUTFELD: Cultural norm.  


MURDOCH: I’ve got to remember that next time I knock off a liquor store and police show up, it is cultural. Let them go.  


GUTFELD: There are no cultural norms for me to exploit, unfortunately, because I am basically like, culturally offensive.  


PERINO: Canceled.  


TIMPF: I just think disclaimers in general are kind of condescending. Like, I don’t know. I’ve been watching a lot of “Cheaters” reruns lately.  


GUTFELD: Of course, you have.  


TIMPF: Well, of course I have. So before every episode, it says parents are cautioned that this program may not be suitable for children.  


It’s like, you think? You know, I don’t think there’s any parent sitting there on the couch, like, well, I really thought this show called “Cheaters” which is basically footage of people hooking up with their affair partners, and then a violent, expletive filled confrontation was a great choice for me to watch with my four-year-old.  


But now that I saw the disclaimer, I’m going to think about it again. I agree that, you know, it’s better than taking it off. But yes, it started in 1976. Like, obviously, there’s going to be things in there that are offensive by 2021 standards.  


GUTFELD: You know what’s funny, it’s like, what is really damaging people’s brains on TV? You watch like 20 hours of “Forensic Files.”  


PERINO: Yes.  


GUTFELD: If you watch that stuff long enough, you are convinced the entire United States is just canvassed with evil psychotic people and you never want to leave the house. It turns me into an agoraphobic which is good for —  


TIMPF: And the places they find DNA.  


GUTFELD: Oh my God. It’s so —  


MURDOCH: I was just curious, do they blur out animal? Because he is literally —  


GUTFELD: Naked.  


MURDOCH: Naked chasing people.  


TIMPF: They blur out. On “Cheaters” they do.  


MURDOCH: And to counter Kat’s point, there’s a lot of parents that think that that show is exactly what their kid should be watching with them. So yes.  




TIMPF: I watch them when I’m at home.  


GUTFELD: There’s daddy.  




GUTFELD: Daddy is on “People’s Court” tonight. I’ll be on “Cheaters” tomorrow.  


MURDOCH: Daddy, that’s THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW? Kind of.  


GUTFELD: My sister was on one of those judge shows. Remember that?  


PERINO: “People’s Court”?  


GUTFELD: What?  


MURDOCH: Did she win?  


PERINO: “People’s Court”?  


GUTFELD: Yes. She was on —  


PERINO: With Judge Wapner?  


GUTFELD: It was over a ticket to like a boy band. Okay, up next, an investigative reporting to the scariest bar fight ever.  




ASHLEY STROHMIER, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT: Live from “America’s News Headquarters,” I’m Ashley Strohmier.  

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The controversies keep coming for Andrew Cuomo. According to “The New York Times” a second former aide for the New York Governor is accusing him of sexual harassment. Charlotte Bennett is claiming the 63-year-old initiated unwelcome sexual advances when she was 25 while working as his executive assistant. Miss Bennett is not claiming there was any physical contact.  


For his part, Governor Cuomo says he never made any advances towards Miss Bennett.  


And smoke them if you’ve got them, Virginia becoming the latest state to legalize marijuana for adults. The state joins 15 others and the District of Columbia to allow recreational marijuana. Residents of Virginia will have to wait though as the new law does not take effect until 2024.  


I’m Ashley Strohmier, now back to THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW. For all of your headlines, log on to You’re watching the most powerful name in news, FOX News Channel.  


GUTFELD: Welcome back. It’s time for —  


ANNOUNCER: Hero or Jerk?  


GUTFELD: Check out this action in a men’s bathroom. If I had a dollar for every time I said that, Dana.  


This viral video of a brawl involves the University of Oklahoma football player who didn’t know what he was in for. Take a look.  




GUTFELD: Just another day at Kilmeade’s barbecue.  


The player named Spencer Jones, the guy on the left appears to continue a tiff already in progress before the recording started. He and his buddy were quickly destroyed by two brothers who just so happened to be trained wrestlers and mixed martial arts fighters. The cauliflower ears on the little guy should have warned you.  


The incident sent Jones to the hospital where he spent hours in surgery to repair his shattered eye socket. According to the brothers, “They gave us no options, unfortunately. We showed restraint” in fact.  


So far no arrests have been made and we have no way of knowing what happened before the video started but it certainly looks like a case of be careful what you wish for. Like these two fellas.  




GUTFELD: Talk about a golf hazard. We’ll be right back with the weather and Chip Musburger with the sports.  


So, okay, Tyrus, there is this case to be made that having skill as a fighter immediately makes you ineligible to use that skill because then it becomes a weapon. Then what’s the use of it if somebody who gets bullied learning to fight if you can’t fight?  


MURDOCH: Okay, that would be a great question if that was what even closely remotely happened to that.  


GUTFELD: Oh, really?  


MURDOCH: Take it from a guy who has picked a fight before. He knew that — he beat up the weakest guy in the room.  


GUTFELD: Oh, really?  


MURDOCH: He was beat — first of all the camera was in magnificent position. Let’s not forget that. Second, if you look before — right before the fight, he is smiling. He looks at his brother for acknowledgement.  


GUTFELD: Right.  


MURDOCH: That blood was not of his own. It might have been from the last group they beat up.  




MURDOCH: The guy — the poor — the poor bastard is getting just pummeled there.  




MURDOCH: Literally, his hands were at his side and was trying to talk down the situation.  


TIMPF: Oh, yes, right.  


MURDOCH: They were being — hold on.  


TIMPF: No, no, no.  


MURDOCH: They were being egged. You don’t beat — I’m telling you, I can knock a guy on one shot, okay, and pick them up. I put a million guys to sleep bouncing clubs and I got stripes.  


There was nothing about that fight that said it needed to go to a choke, needed to go to a punch. He had him when he slapped him.  


GUTFELD: Right.  


MURDOCH: That kid immediately went into panic mode. Then he punched him, he fell to the ground. It’s over.  


GUTFELD: Right.  


MURDOCH: It’s over. At that point, your message is made. He had to prove everything while they were cheering him on and somebody filmed it.  


GUTFELD: Somebody filmed it.  


MURDOCH: This was literally a setup. I was in college. I know the deal. You hang out in the bathroom. Girls, you have mean girls that talk about people’s clothes. They went in there and they set him up.  


They didn’t like him. Something went down with him. The other guy pushed him to egg him on and then the fight came out. But he was the only one who got pummeled. The other guy was held.  


GUTFELD: Yes, Kat.  


MURDOCH: Look at the smirk on his face.  


TIMPF: Are you his lawyer? That’s what his lawyer said.  


MURDOCH: I am not his lawyer.  


TIMPF: He was trying to deescalate the situation.  


MURDOCH: I’ve been in enough fights. He was set up.  


TIMPF: Deescalate the situation by saying to a guy with blood on his face, get the [bleep] out of here, and like is that the guy that like his girlfriend is mad at him, he tries to deescalate the situation by asking her if she is on her period? Like no. Like, obviously, he took it too far.  


MURDOCH: So you’re saying — so you’re saying, Kat, if someone cusses at you, you have the right to pummel —  


TIMPF: And also, none of them were wearing a mask, and they were rolling around in the bathroom, a super spreader event.  


MURDOCH: Yes, turn it into a joke.  


GUTFELD: By the way, if you watch the whole video, there’s a great scene where there’s a guy at a urinal who then walks over the people fighting without spilling his drink. It reminded me so much of you, Dana.  


PERINO: First of all, he took a drink into the bathroom? That is disgusting.  


MURDOCH: No, because if you leave it outside, you get a roofie.  


GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true. That’s true.  


PERINO: Okay, well, just like, why don’t you finish your drink before you go into the bathroom?  


TIMPF: Chug it.  


MURDOCH: Chug it. So according to —  


PERINO: Just a flashback to the A-block.  


MURDOCH: To Dana, you chug your drinks and Kat, you pummel someone if they cuss at you. Let me see if I am getting this straight.  


TIMPF: I just don’t like the fact that he is saying he was trying to deescalate a situation.  


MURDOCH: He wasn’t trying to fight anyone.  


TIMPF: That’s not what that word means.  


GUTFELD: Dana?  


PERINO: Just a call back to A-block.  


GUTFELD:  This is why you hire women.  


TIMPF: Exactly.  


MURDOCH: Not to mention, they keep calling him Oklahoma football. He was a long snapper kicker receiver. He was like if there was a guy on the football team you want to fight — that was him.  


PERINO: Yes, you can’t beat up that guy.  


GUTFELD: Isn’t this the greatest segment ever?  


MURDOCH: I felt bad for him. So don’t have a smirk on your face if you’re trying to look like you — you look at your brother then you wipe it off. Smile. You slap him to set him up and then you knock him out.  


GUTFELD: He kind of put — I have to say, that is a pretty —  


MURDOCH: This is not my first rodeo.  


GUTFELD: Yes, you know, if you want to see women fighting, just go World Star Hip Hop, okay. So, yes.  


So Joe, you’re pretty much the — how many fights have you been in this week? Three? Four?  


MACHI: I don’t know why I’m the last person that you went to on this topic, but I think it would be cool if you get plastic surgery to get cauliflower ear that way people would believe me when I tell them in bathrooms that I’m a trained MMA fighter.  


MURDOCH: You can get cauliflower ears in 14 minutes where I am from.  


MACHI: Forget I mentioned it, but, I do think the real victims are the guys just trying to use the bathroom for what the bathroom is for and then some other guy pulls out a camera and you’re just there in the bathroom.  


PERINO: With your beer.  


MACHI: Yes. That’s right.  


TIMPF: The whole country is seeing you pee.  


MACHI: I don’t know who started it and who was right or wrong, if anybody, but it seemed like it didn’t have to happen.  




MACHI: It seemed like both people could have walked away.  


GUTFELD: Yes, you know what? Young men are dumb and that’s a sexist comment, but I was a young man once and boy, I was dumb.  


I think Tyrus convinced me that this might have been a planned event. But anyway, we’ve got to move on because that was the best segment of the week on FOX. Okay.  


Mr. Potato Head gets neutered. That’s next.  




ANNOUNCER: Everything is racist.  


GUTFELD: Has Coke gone woke? Coca-Cola featured a diversity training program that urges employees to be less white.  


According to leaked slides — my favorite kind — tips for reducing whiteness include be less arrogant, be less certain, be less defensive, and stop going apple picking with Brian Kilmeade. It’s true, I saw it myself.  


The online course called “Confronting Racism” was hosted by LinkedIn, but has now been removed and Coca-Cola denies that the whiteness training is mandatory. Yes, I’ve been there.  


Meanwhile, there’s another brand name slurping from the woke trough. Mr. Potato Head is now dropping the Mister like a hot potato — you like that? That way, according to “Fast Company,” a girl potato can wear pants and a boy potato might wear earrings.  


But after some uproar, Hasbro now claims the Mr. Potato Head character isn’t changing at all, but going forward, the new brand name will simply be Potato Head, which oddly is a common sex act in Dublin. California, Dublin, California.  


MURDOCH: I’m out.  


GUTFELD: Let’s check out the Potato Gun National Championship shall we?  




GUTFELD: Oh, there you go. Kat, Coca-Cola says it’s not mandatory, but if you probably didn’t go there, you would have been — it would have gotten out that you didn’t take the training and you’re white.  


TIMPF: I am white.  


GUTFELD: You’ve gone any whiter.  


TIMPF: Yes, I am, yes, I am very pasty white. Yes. It’s just weird because like, how can I be less white? Like I know like to be less arrogant thing. But as someone who’s had years of professional help, because of how much she hates herself, I don’t really think that I need that.  


But also like, isn’t that cultural appropriation? Haven’t they been like taking things from other cultures is cultural appropriation?  


GUTFELD: Right.  


TIMPF: So I thought you don’t want me to be less white. You want me to be like white, which I am white.  


GUTFELD: That’s an amazing point. I never thought of it. I never — like if you actually reject cultural appropriation, you have to veer towards white supremacy.  


TIMPF: This is actually how people get radicalized too with stuff like this. It is off — I mean, come on? Be less white. How?  


GUTFELD: Yes, that’s —  


TIMPF: I can’t — I can’t, I burn.  


GUTFELD: I burn. You know, Joe, you are probably the second. No, you’re your second most white. I bet no one has ever said that to you.  


MACHI: I am so white, I always mark other on every job application I’ve ever filled out.  


It’s interesting to me, I think, you could consider it arrogant to sell sugar water to a country with an exploding diabetes population. But the mistake they made here is when you do stuff like this, you’re supposed to call it the opposite of what it is.  


So if it’s diversity, what that really means is orthodoxy and conformity. So they should have said, white people are cruel training, that way, I’d be like, uh-oh, they’re coming from white people. We’re in trouble.  

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GUTFELD: Dana, Coke denies it, but —  


PERINO: Yes, they’re like, oh, no, that was the New Coke.  


GUTFELD: Yes, that was.  


PERINO: That was a new slide deck.  


MURDOCH: You’re on fire. You are on fire. That’s why they put you on the lead chair. Sorry, Greg. Had to put it out there.  


GUTFELD: Yes, we’re going to be breaking the news at the end of the show. It’s now “The Dana Perino Show” and I’ll be hosting. I’ll be hosting.  


PERINO: With Bill Hemmer.  


GUTFELD: I’ll be hosting with Bill Hemmer. They’ll be thrilled.  


PERINO: You’re going to love the mornings.  


GUTFELD: Yes, yes. That would be our tag. You’re going to love the mornings, America. And then, I’ll just be sitting there crying, crying.  


TIMPF: I’d watch that.  


GUTFELD: Yes, you would. I will never do a morning show. Let’s just agree to that.  


PERINO: No, you’d have to tape it like the night before.  




PERINO: And then hope that no news broke.  


GUTFELD: Yes. That’s what I do all day is I pray that there’s no news breaking because I don’t want to do an hour on breaking news. Have you noticed?  


PERINO: I think, yes, I heard about that.  


GUTFELD: Tyrus, what’s your advice?  


MURDOCH: Oh, well, it’s kind of funny we’ve gotten to the point where a bunch of white people are asking the black guy, how do we be less white?  


This is the most [bleep] stupid thing I’ve ever seen in my life and I’ll tell you why. You’re telling someone to be less white, which is the most ignorant thing I’ve ever heard in my life.  


You can tell them to be more respectful. You can tell them to be sensitive to other people, to educate themselves.  


When you tell someone to be less white. It’s like saying there’s something wrong with you to begin with. If you said to me, hey, Tyrus, you’re doing a great job on the show, but I need you to pull back the blackness just a scoach.  


Again, I would have thrown the damn chair at you.  


GUTFELD: Yes, you would have.  


MURDOCH: But because we live in this — if I was white, I would be furious by that because the color of my skin has nothing to do with the content of my character.  


They could have come out and I would have been all bored like, hey, don’t be a [bleep]. Don’t be a jerk. Don’t be rude to people. Respect differences. If you don’t know about somebody, ask. Be nice. Same thing.  




MURDOCH: Less white. Literally, Kat can’t.  


TIMPF: I cannot.  


GUTFELD: You should change your name to Less White.  


TIMPF: Yes.  


MURDOCH: Leslie.  


GUTFELD: Wait a minute, that should be a correspondent, Less White.  


MURDOCH: Leslie Whiter.  




MURDOCH: Roaming reporter Leslie Whiter.  


PERINO: I think a new character has been formed.  


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GUTFELD: Yes, Less White.  


TIMPF: They spent years telling us if you’re white you stay in your lane. You’re a white person. No, you can’t wear that hat with the dreadlocks. And now they are —  


MURDOCH: Poor Kat, every podcast I say “Nuff Said.” And she is like —  


TIMPF: I can’t say “Nuff Said.”  


MURDOCH: I’ll be like, go on say it. She is like, no, no, I can’t say it.  


TIMPF: I can’t say that. Because I’m very white.  


MURDOCH: Chalky in fact.  


TIMPF: Enough for today.  


GUTFELD: Chalky.  


MURDOCH: Chalky.  


TIMPF: Enough for today.  


MURDOCH: Would be the nomenclature.  


TIMPF: Have a great afternoon.  


MURDOCH: Chalky. She is more of a pasty, chalky.  


GUTFELD: All right —  


MURDOCH: Dana Perino is a god and there is — Greg tans, so we get a real fix on him.  


GUTFELD: This is makeup.  




GUTFELD: This is makeup.  


TIMPF: I put makeup — I put so much orange makeup on and just my pastiness this just comes through.  


GUTFELD: It does. It does.  


MURDOCH: Chalkiness. Pastiness.  


GUTFELD: All right, my favorite story up next.  




GUTFELD: Do folks in glasses get COVID free passes? Maybe. Because a new study out of India found that people who wear glasses are up to three times less likely to catch COVID-19.  


According to the report, most people touch their eyes an average of three times per hour, but bespectacled ones — is that how you say it — might touch them a lot less, making it more difficult for the virus to get inside of their bodies to infect them.  


Of course, we know that coronavirus can also spread other ways through droplets in the air. I wonder if glasses provide any protection against that. We sent Kat out on the street to find out.  


TIMPF: Thanks, Greg. I’m here in New York City where I’m going to talk to people with glasses about their experiences with COVID-19.  


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, God. I’m sorry lady.  


TIMPF: Eww. Oh, come on, man. Oh, that’s gross.  


TEXT: Kat Timpf, 1988 -2021.  




TIMPF: Yes, fact that I died on Tuesday actually makes a lot of sense.  


GUTFELD: What’s amazing, Dana, there is so much good news coming out of this. I mean, you’ve got — we have this — the vaccine news. It’s insane. The rapid testing, we’ve kind of overlooked, but I now test — I test every week and it’s just a good thing to do. Watching reductions in illness and hospitalizations.  


I think this thing is won and we have a reason to be optimistic, I guess.  


PERINO: I think it’s harder to spread it, right. So the virus is like, dang, there is nowhere else to go.  




PERINO: They’re trying to get in through your eyeballs. I just wondered though. I mean, I do think it might be true about the eye thing, but who sponsored that study? Right? Was it —  


TIMPF: Warby Parker.  


PERINO: Was it an eye doctor? Yes, Warby Parker, right? Now all of a sudden — of India — and now all of a sudden someone’s going to be making a lot of money with the glasses.  


GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Joe, the study said that goggles are even better than glass.  


MACHI: Yes, that’s why I was surprised that they didn’t say that you should wear goggles, what were they thinking? People were willing to give up their constitutional rights, but they’re not going to go big on the word goggles. That’s absurd, just — you can’t —  


GUTFELD: But wear the shield.  


MACHI: You can’t go outside. That’s fair. But no goggles. And cheers to you guys for showing the year Kat was born. That is a real step towards equality.  


TIMPF: Yes, I am 32.  


GUTFELD: That’s right. We definitely — I checked Wikipedia, so I think it is right. I don’t know. Tyrus?  


TIMPF: You don’t know how old I am? We’ve been working together for like seven years.  


GUTFELD: Who are you again?  




GUTFELD: I just think of you as that white girl.  


TIMPF: Ah, yes.  


GUTFELD: The less white girl.  


MURDOCH: I’m not touching that one. I think Dana made a great point because I think they’re now starting to have fun with us a little bit. So we’re going to wear two masks, swimming goggles, and then there will be a report coming out. Feather hats absorb the molecules in the air.  


PERINO: Just keep spinning that money.  


MURDOCH: So then, you know, you’re going to wear a hat with a giant feather. The taller the feather, the more safer it is for you to go outside. And then of course you need swimmies.  




MURDOCH: Because the plastic is a buffer to keeping people away from you. I was good with the two masks, I guess. But the glasses now, I think is just — stop it.  


TIMPF: I love glasses.  


MURDOCH: Yes. You love it so much you wore them when you didn’t need them.  


TIMPF: I got a whole career off these glasses.  


MURDOCH: You wore them for so long when you didn’t need them that now, you need them.  


TIMPF: Yes, well look —  


GUTFELD: That’s the irony, now she has to wear them.  


TIMPF: I am a little nearsighted in my right eye, so now, I have to — seven years wearing glasses for sport, I got some real glasses. I was just excited because I love glasses, because I look smart and I look a lot more attractive. So COVID or no COVID, according to my personal study, glasses make me at least a thousand times better looking.  


GUTFELD: Wow. Did that study come out of India, too?  


TIMPF: That study, yes.  


MURDOCH: I am just curious. Who touches their eyes that much besides someone crying all the time? Is it —  


PERINO: I think — but just watch people like in an airport or something like people are always doing that.  


MURDOCH: Touching their eyes?  


TIMPF: I’ll put some fake eyelashes on you and you’ll understand.  


GUTFELD: I think I have had enough of this talk. We must take a break. More show after this.  




ANNOUNCER: Final thoughts. It’s the last thought. That’s why it’s called the final thoughts. Okay.  


GUTFELD: Dana, we know why you’re here. You only did the show, you told me only if you get to plug your book, so go for it.  


PERINO: Yes, that’s exactly right. I would never want to be here. This show is amazing. I think you guys are great. And I’m excited for what’s coming in the future for you.  


That book is coming out, “Everything Will Be Okay: Life Lessons for Young Women from a Former Young Woman” on March 9th. You can preorder it now. Look forward to having it out.  


GUTFELD: I read it. It’s a great book and you should catch the podcast in which I interview Dana over the book. It’s more about me than her.  


PERINO: Yes, we talked a lot about you. It was great.  


GUTFELD: I’m a sad person. Joe, do you have anything to plug?  


MACHI: I’ll be at Bananas in Hasbrouck Heights at the end of March, so check that out New York City area.  


GUTFELD: Banana. All right. Well, Kat, you have nothing. Tyrus, you just want to lay low.  


MURDOCH: Actually, I was going to lay low.  


TIMPF: I have nothing.  


MURDOCH: But, I have a book called “Guys it’s not going to be okay: Everything you need to know of what not to do as a young man,” coming out soon. Soon.  


TIMPF: I wouldn’t say I have nothing, I have a very fulfilling life full of joy.  


GUTFELD: But if you don’t have anything to plug, apparently that’s not true. Come visit me at Locals.  


TIMPF: I also have Locals.  


GUTFELD: Yes, but you forgot to plug it.  


GUTFELD: Oh, geez. It’s great. Awesome at Locals.  


Thanks to Dana Perino, Joe Machi, Kat Timpf, and Tyrus.  


I am Greg Gutfeld, and I love you, America.  


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